I apologize to my Son nightly. I whisper "I'm sorry" to him every night when he's deep asleep. In my head I continue that I'm sorry that I'm his mom. That I didn't give him up for adoption when I had the chance. That I'm sorry he doesn't get to have a daddy like his friends.

Today the feelings were extra feely and I needed a release. Instead of eating or raging at the source of my feelings I cut myself for the first time in over 8 years. I feel that it was the most healthy option that I was capable of at the moment. I feel like Trash, but at least I didn't stuff my face, act crazy, or say hurtful things to anyone like it wanted to.

I'm tired of not receiving the affection, attention, and sex that I crave from my boyfriend. Tomorrow I plan to ask him to think about whether or not he can provide me with the things I need, if not we have to be done.

If we go to Texas Roadhouse one more time and I don't get some pipe because someone ate too much I'm going to flip. The man can feed me and fix junk around my house all he wants but I 👏🏽 need 👏🏽 some 👏🏽 pipe.

I'm afraid of being alone for the rest of my life.