I'm probably going to delete this later but like the title says being black is annoying... or.. maybe exhausting is a better way to describe it.

Most days I wake up completely unaware of my skin. When I look in the mirror, I see the seven year old that even decades later still loves cartoons, stupid jokes push-pops and that feeling of comfort you get when someone runs their hands through your hair.

I see the accumulated wrinkles, lines, scares and etc that have come with living. I see a person that tries to do a bit better each day and fails a lot but understands the reward is in the process.

And as long as I don't go outside. Don't open up social media. Don't turn on the television. Hell even talk to certain "friends", it stays that way. There are times it feels like the world does everything in its power to remind you that you're black.

That on its own would be fine. But it's everything else that comes with it. Don't dress a certain way. Don't act a certain way. Don't talk a certain way. Don't look a certain, not too long anyway. Be respectful. Say "yes, sir", "no, sir", "yes, ma'am", "no ma'am". Go to school. Get your degree. Be well employed. Even then that's often not enough. People still write you off. Make their assumptions. Quietly shy away from you for doing not much more than existing. Assume the worst about you. Explicitly "can't" love you, "can't" be your friend.

Do you know what it's like for your best friend to tell you they can't be friends with you because you look the way you do? Do you understand how hard it is for an eight year old to understand that? To learn very early that love doesn't actually overcome all. At least not every time.

Do you know what it's like to be followed by a truck full of angry young men screaming all kinds of obscenities and n words at you? To know you can call for help but not know if you'll get it. Like asking the boogeyman to check for monsters under your bed.

To have well meaning people constantly remind you "how awful" things are for you. But also careless people try to convince you everything you've ever experienced is "all in your head". The last president was black there have never been nor will there ever be any issues.

It's doing your best to be yourself but being told you're "too black". It's being yourself and being told you're "not black enough". It's like walking down a road while someone aggressively pokes you in the side of the head.

It is exhausting. Most days I just want to be that five, six, seven year old that didn't understand a thing. Many days I am but today... I am that and I am black.

edit

Just want to thank so many of you for showing love and understanding. I wrote this on a day where I felt in spite of my best efforts... I was failing. I won't go into the specifics of that but I will say it is humbling and heart rendering to know so many (even outside of race) have felt what I've felt. From the farthest, most isolated corner of my being.. thank you.