I hate how I’m still affected by the lack of reciprocation from your end. I hate how, even at this point, I still feel upset when you don’t even try to attempt to level with the effort and energy I give you.

You say “your feelings are too complicated for me to understand”. Isn’t that how I think of your mind and actions as well? I always tell you I don’t understand you, but at least I try. At least I ask and do my best to understand you at the slightest. I do it so I can actually communicate better with you.

However, understanding me seems to be the least of your interest. It seems like you don’t even want to bother.

You know what that makes me think of my role in your life? Just a fcking diary that actually responds and show care and interest. Just someone you can fcking rant to and ask advice from. Scratch that. Maybe you were serious when you once said that I’m like a shrink to you. Maybe that’s what you actually see me as. Cause this shit? It’s only one way. You always get to talk and vent, I always listen and comfort. Can we switch the roles? Probably not.

I feel like shit both as someone who likes you and as someone who considers you as a close friend. I’m not even sure which one is giving me the heavier weight on my chest.

I thought that you’ve come to at least see me as someone important enough for you to genuinely care. But I guess not. Maybe those questions are asked not out of concern, but out of boredom. Possibly just trying to make small talk to pass by time. It makes a lot of sense tho. You only message me and reply to me fast when you feel like it, when you have time to waste. I’m just someone who fills in some holes. But the way I fill in is temporary, I could be detached anytime without second thoughts.

And I feel awful writing this. Cause I shouldn’t be bothered by this anymore. I promised I will prioritize  myself and not allow anyone to  just use me. I promised I should just give back the same energy I am given. But the fact that I’m writing about this again means that I have failed. It means that even to myself, I am still not on top of the list. Isn’t that just sad?

I swear that after today, I will learn to put boundaries. I will put up my walls again. I will not allow myself to be an open book. I will do this even if loneliness would consume me. I’m lonely regardless, but at least if I succeed, I’m just lonely and not heartbroken.