First, to make things clear my self steem had a big role when catfishing and I never wanted to hurt anyone I met online. So to start.. years ago I came across some news about someone using a fake Tinder profile and finding out what girls said when a "hot guy" wrote nonsense to them, so I wanted to try it out for myself since I had like 1 or 2 matches in a month (I'm average, like a 5-6) in a somewhat big city in South America.

I snagged some male model's pics from Instagram, the guy has features that I thought every woman likes, so I took some pics that looked more or less like normal selfies less professional, it went like I expected, got matches in and hour or so, match after match, in a week I got 99 likes, it was weird, it wasn't me obviously, but talking to so many girls was something I never thought I would possibly do.

After some time matching with hot girls I wanted to see what their response would be if I was a little more naughty, knowing that some girls wanted to have sex "with me" or the guy from the pic made me so horny, because it was like they were talking to me, I definitely masturbated a lot, I took dick pics from some dude, so me and any girl I talked to could exchange nudes (I ALWAYS kept the nudes for myself and NEVER showed them to anyone else, and deleted them after I stopped talking to the person). I even had my own fake story to what I did for a living and included some personal stuff about myself.

Then I matched with this one girl, she was beautiful, it was like we clicked inmediately she said she loved how I treat her, how my voice sounds, how I view the world, she liked my personality (I think), I actually fell in love with her, didn't wanted her nudes I just wanted to hug her and talk to her for years, but what can I do? She said she fell in love too.. But the same disgusting part of me thought: "What if she wanted to know everything about you, and everything she said she felt, was only because she thinks you're a super hot guy?"

I took the shot and told her the true and of course showed her my real me, that time I didn't lie about anything, the only lie was that she was not talking to the guy in the pic, and she stopped talking to me.

I hurted her and I hurted myself, if I had the oportunity to meet that girl with no lies in the way maybe I actually had a chance, but I will never know, and she will never talk to me again because I lied, when I use my real pic to know people, I get 1 match after days, the person barely replies, no one wants to know anything from me no matter how many times I try to know the other person also I feel like she will just get bored in no time and just unmatch me, but I know if I was the guy in the fake pic the story would be different, or at least thats what I think. I definitely know I'm messed up, I see myself in the mirror and I see an ugly person, I know I can improve for myself, to feel better about me, but I just can't now for reasons beyond this, maybe in the near future I can.

But as of right now, I just feel like I can't love someone because I don't love myself, I dont like my hair, my body, even my teeths. I wanted to feel like I was someone attractive, and talking to girls that sometimes said "I wanna have sex with you" made me so horny, even though they thought they were talking to that guy. This is so long, sorry.

Edit: I never had the intention to meet while catfishing, and never did. Any thoughts would be appreciated