believe it or not but once upon a time i was a happy chappie! yep i was but life hasn't panned out as i expected, many years ago i would have thought by the age of 30 i would have a house, wife and kids and here i am have have neither! most of the people i know don't even really like me but tolerate me, i know i can be a miserable sod and I've tried to change myself to be less miserable and negative about things but can't, i can't go through life trying to be someone who im not so i know I'm not to everyones liking. people don't want to be around me really, i see this all the time, other friends have little meet ups here and there and thats good..... for them, but no one ever wants to meet up for a catch up or more to the point no one asks! there are 3 people who message me and only one of them is regular, fuck me all i want is a conservation with someone and even trying to get that to happen is hard work so i stopped, then realised that pretty much everyone doesnt make the effort with me any more. have i become (or maybe i always have been) that one person in peoples lives that they don't want to meet up or chat with? am i that one person who you don't mind seeing if its with a group of people but not on their own? i think i am because i see it. have i become that person who is destined to be single all through life? i think so, you meet someone in reality or online, things are going great (online talking here) then you swap pics and surprise surprise nothing after that, or if I'm lucky "sorry I've changed my mind. do you know how sole destroying that is to have that for so many years? probably not as you're not in the same position. I've never ever once had someone try to 'chat me up' so to speak, again thats sole destroying to the point where you have to ask questions about the way you look, you can't help it and i wouldn't want anyone to be with me who thought i was ugly as its not right. yes its brutal dating but after so many years i really do believe it just isn't going to happen so i stop, then a few months later I start again but knowing how its going to end a few weeks later. how long would you keep trying for when you have had zero in return? i stop because its the only way to numb the pain of constant rejection. fishing used to help the pain, but i don't even do that nowadays as it stopped being my remedy. i don't know what to do now. I've often thought that if euthanasia in the UK was legal and you could turn up with 15 grand i would do it i really would, if you was in my shoes why wouldn't you? I feel my life is pretty pointless most of the time, I'm not happy anymore as i once was, just become a depressed, a miserable oxygen thief. as much as i would love to have kids, if they end up having the same life experienlce as me then actually i hope i don't because my life experiences really sucks! failing at life is a fair assessment i suppose