I was working as a nurse practitioner in an ICU during the pandemic. It was terrible- I saw a lot of people die. I think I helped save a few, but who knows. In November, I quit my job. I was having nightmares, I was being mean to my family and just not myself. The stress had gotten to me and I had to take a knee.I was under a ton of pressure. I was activated for the reserves the first covid response, put on standby twice, worked the response myself for from March -Nov, and we had a brand new baby in addition to ourfour year old.

Out state for hammered. I saw hundreds of people die. I pronounced six people dead in less than six hours once. I saw sobbing families say goodbye to their loved ones over FaceTime. I saw people who'd been in love since before world war II say goodbye over the fucvking phone. I had to tell people that I was going to intubate them tnd that their odds weren't good while dressed in a space helmet looking thing and a full iso suit. I watched co-workers getting sick all around me, but I seemed to slip past it, but always worried I'd bring it home to my wife and children.

It was bad. Towards the end, I was having nightmares- nightmares of dying alone in a chlorine scented coffin, unable to hear or touch any other human beings.

Eventually, I folded. My manager, (who sucked anyway) called me into the office and wanted to talk about my performance and how people were complaining about me. I was infuriated and exhausted, and handed in my two weeks. I'd had enough. Enough of the death, enough of the demanding supervisors, enough of the conversations with families as to when to let people go. I'd had enough.

Now, a few months later, I am teaching at a local college, and they (the college) offered me a covid vaccine.

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It's weird. I sort of feel like I don't deserve it. I folded- I gave in before the fight was done. I caved to the pressure and took a knee. I don't feel like I should get it, even though it's available.

Bottom line up front: I don't deserve the vaccine, even though I am qualified for it under my state law,- because I couldn't hack it. There are people who didn't fold, who stuck it out that deserve it more than me.