This is going to be long, and maybe jumbled

I am almost 300lbs., working third shift, living communally with my parents and older brother. On top of that I have ADHD, Sleep Apnea, Asthma Anxiety, Chronic Sinusitis and was diagnosed with Clinical Depression back in October of 2020.

I have a job and shelter, and I know my life could be extremely worse, yet I'm unhappy and sick of waking up to being tired, inflamed and burning sinuses, never getting sleep or sleep actually doing any good for me, the sporadic headaches, the mild chronic pain (Partially from the obesity), the despair, the overthinking, the anxiety, the ringing during headaches. I've become so negative, hell the last time I remember feeling happy was on Christmas Day last year opening the thoughtful gifts from my parents/brother and them opening the crosses I made each of them.

Being asleep and video games are the only times I can escape or numb my mind, and even then that isn't always the case. My father, brother and I all work on the same shift and make the same amount of money, but we never have any money, we're in debt, etc. My brother has to file bankruptcy just so we can stop the foreclosure on our house, the last of our combined money went to paying the bankruptcy lawyers. My mother has been in a legal battle that has put us behind on lot rent and house payments (House payments are the catalyst for the current foreclosure attempt).

My mother and father aren't in the best shape, but my father is a long-time habitual chewing tobacco user, and the dread of him dying from mouth or lung cancer/some other tobacco related health issues (Plus he is diabetic and deaf). I hardly have a relationship with my Dad. We all quarrel and verbally fight a lot...

Shit I haven't been able to apply to college for the last three months because we didn't have the money to spare. I can barely ever afford my medicine, and have medical bill debts. Thanks to the foreclosure bullshit, we can't even buy food, and now we'll have to go to the food pantry, which we haven't done in almost 4 years. Our house isn't all clean, tidy, and organized like I want it to be.

Between all of this external and internal self-induced stress, anxiety, worrying and emotional agony I'm once again back at the point where being dead would be nicer, though I know suicide is not the answer, nor have I truly ever acted on my suicidal thoughts. I wouldn't have to deal with any of this nor myself though.

I could check myself into a hospital, but that's even more medical bills, and if I'm at the hospital getting mental help will I still get paid by my employers? As a family we can't afford for me to not work, nor any of us for that matter.

God I just want to feel great for one day, ONE DAY! I'm running out of strength to keep going, but I don't want to give up. I want to just scream until I pass out.