I'm shortening this to keep things from being too long. I will update with more if people are interested.

Back story

I am a 37 y/o male. I was raised in a very conservative, very militant minded Church/home environment. My father was the preacher, and put his ministry above us in the family often. I was hit several times for things I didn't do, or that someone else did, and sometimes even just because he was in a bad mood. He never left scars physically, but that didn't stop it from hurting me in other ways.

He broke 2 wooden spoons hitting me when I was a Junior in Highschool because

1. I didn't answer him fast enough when he called me from the other end of the house through 2 closed doors.
2. I dared to say no to him because I was working on a school project that needed my attention right then.

He was so controlling, that when I joined the Military, Boot Camp was a liberating experience. I had more freedom doing pushups and running in formation that I had growing up under his roof.

Over the years, I have come to a sort of being at peace with my past, rationalizing it as that he did not know what he was doing, and was un aware of how badly he effected me.

The Event

This last Saturday, I called my father to check on him, as he has had COVID, and is in poor health. We talked for almost 45 minutes about many things, but it came to a head when he began talking about the new Vice President and President and why he was displeased with them.

I began quoting scripture as he is still a preacher, and I am a Christian, in spite of my upbringing.

I told him that 'Judge not so you will not be Judged, for by the measure you judge others so to shall you be judged.' was not a suggestion, and he needed to be careful.

He responded that He could gather information and make informed judgements.

I lost a bit of my self control and told him that if that was the case, I could judge him on the information that he beat and neglected me and that he had been a poor husband to my mother and bad father to my sister.

He asked me how he had been a bad husband.

I answered and waited for him to ask about my other statements.

He didn't.

It's been almost 48 hours and he has not reached back out to me to ask what I meant, or to offer an apology for what he did. I haven't even gotten a half-hearted 'I'm sorry you feel that way.' or 'I don't remember it like that'

As I have gone about the last 2 days, I have seen more and more things that I never thought of before.

He was a Police Chaplain, a certified Abuse Councilor, and Family Therapist.

He was trained to know what his actions would do, and did them anyways.

He knew.

HE KNEW!

HE KNEW HE KNEW HE KNEW!!!!!!!!!

The Results

Before this phone call, he was my Dad in many ways. That part of my life is dead.

At best, he is my father. mostly, he is just a relative.

HE BEAT ME, AND BELITTLED ME AND NEGLECTED ME AND KNEW WHAT IT WAS DOING TO ME AND DIDN'T CARE.

I'm done making excuses for him. I don't know if I will ever be able to speak to him or look him in the face again and not scream at him, or more. I am now the bigger one, being 6 inches taller, and easily 50 lbs of muscle over him. It scares me a little how much I want to hurt him.

I posted this to let these old wounds breathe some so they could heal. If you read this far, thank you so much for your time. I hope and pray that if you are ever in need of venting, someone will be there for you.

TLDR; My father knew what his abuse was doing to me, and did it anyways. I have to come to terms with that.