Hey everyone, this is my first post so I apologize if I do anything wrong. I’ve always been picked on and been going through some stuff at home since I was a very little kid. That being said I know a thing or two about feeling alone at a very young age. I’ve dealt with it all, from parents being mentally abusive and physically( My father has anger issues and had me at a young age and wasn’t a very bright person. My mom on the other hand was a very caring person. It would always be my father who would be the one tell of the top of his lungs and scream at me and my brother. The sound of his voice would make me shiver and cry. I always felt the instinctive feeling to just crawl up in a ball and cry everytime I hear someone yelling and it could be anyone. Without going any further, I think you get the idea, it was a consistent thing. I’ve been suicidal since I was 9 years old. I’ve wanted to run away around that age and even swallowed a lego so I can choke at night in my sleep (To no surprise I didn’t die because it had a hole thought through piece, it was those shaped of an X so I was able to breathe and cough it back out).

School was no different so it was all just a constant battle between suffering at home or suffering at school and I had no choice. Don’t get me wrong I had happy moments but all I remember from my childhood was my father and his yelling. Trying to tell a stubborn person from Venezuela coming from another abusive family is hard to tell the truth to( my parents are both immigrants, father from Venezuela, mom from Mexico). I would try saying something about how I feel and all I would get is being screamed at to stop crying and being a baby and the usual “did I hit you?” Response. You know thinking about it makes me bawl my eyes out now but I really am fighting the tears now. I’ve never tried telling them that I might have these because of previous times trying to ask simple questions, from where something is because he gets mad that I can’t find things( I also may have undiagnosed severe adhd because I lose track of everything, forgot everything and doze off almost 24/7) to asking how to do the homework in the third grade.

I had corona about 2 months ago around thanksgiving and thankfully have recovered but I cannot breathe properly. I thought my lungs were damaged because sleeping on my back feels like I suffocate unless I sleep on my stomach. But I start feeling lightheaded everywhere I go. Especially when I think about stressful situations, my father, a girl I fell for but was turned down, or anything that could negatively affect me. I don’t know what’s happening but after corona this is happening on a daily basis. I honestly don’t know how I can live with myself. I’m worried it will ruin my quality of life and eventually my will to even live.

I’m sorry for rambling on but I don’t know if all of this stuff is connected in some way. It’s uncomfortable and I don’t know whether I can ask to seek help without being gaslighted abs being told I’m exaggerating.