we’ve known each other for nearly 15 years I guess. we had a lot of memories together, fun times with our friends and all that.

he has been always my go to person whenever I feel like ranting or randomly share my thoughts. we’d catch up over a few sticks of cigarette or over coffee or something.

he initially fell for me in 2018, but we were both committed back then so I shoved the idea & I never thought of us being together.

now this pandemic happened... we started to talk frequently, engaged in calls/video calls, and then we started to hang out together once in a while, and then it became often.

he swooned me with all the sweetness, showered me with efforts and the feeling of wanting to be together everyday. I knew that I was falling, even though we agreed, I shouldn’t.

but I did, how can I not fall in love with him. in the last 5months, he’s been there & I started to get the feeling of not wanting to lose him.

so I tried to open up the idea of us becoming official! but then he rejected the idea because he said, “i’m an asshole, you don’t deserve me and all the pain.” tbh, red flags are clearly visible, but fuck those, I wanted to be with him. he said he loves me, but he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me coz he knows he’ll hurt me. it sucks, coz I was already in too deep. I want to give it a try, I just don’t wanna give up like that, without giving it a shot.

he said he doesn’t wanna lose me, especially the friendship that we have built over the years.

I don’t want what we have right now to end. I fell so hard, but he doesn’t want to catch me. 😢