TW: Bad mental health and sexual assault mention

Ugh it’s sounds so stupid but I get flashbacks or panic attacks if I hear a certain gay slur. I fucking hate it. Whenever people use it (99% it’s not even used in a malicious way) I just go into panic mode.

When I was sexually assaulted when I was a young teenager, the rapist made me say the word over and over again and now I just associate it with him. It’s also sucks when people think I’m pretending because if I seen in written or said in a tv show I’m fine. But if someone else says it irl (especially people I know) I kinda freak out.

My new girlfriend (I’m a lesbian) was asking me if there’s stuff that makes me feel uncomfortable and I told her I get triggered by this certain word and she was completely cool and just said “Oh I kinda say that word a lot but I’ll stop!” She didn’t mind at all.

I don’t know why but I feel so guilty and I started to back peddle and said it honestly wasn’t a big deal if she does. But it kind of does and I really hate it. Because I know so many gay people who reclaim words like queer and d*ke and I get it! They want to take power away from those words but this word has so much power over me.

I just wish I wasn’t like this...