I really hate rambling, so I’m sorry if this is long and incoherent- this is literally just my thoughts and I don’t like burdening my friends with my issues sooo yeah. I always feel like there’s really nothing to tell now that I’m writing this down. Especially when I’ve gotten so used to everything you’ve seen, heard, and felt for the last 20 years.

Imagine having a dysfunctional family: a fake father who acts good, funny, and kind when he’s in front of his peers and all the adults think he’s such a big shot for being smart and charismatic.

In reality, he’s a bad father, a bad husband, and a bad son. He’d stab your back and tell all the things you can’t and won’t do and how he has all the attributes that you lack. He’ll beat you up [or threaten to beat you up] if you talk back, or if he doesn’t like the way you act and talk, or he doesn’t like your answer.

Whenever he’s mad, he’d tell me that I’m worthless and that all my cousins think I wont ever succeed in life (confirmed that this wasnt true though). He’d brag about if I never listened to hin growing up I wouldn’t have the things he bought for me, like the shoes, the shirts, the consoles, and the games. He’d show me all the things I lack and how I still dont have a job when I’m 20 and that I still spend their money (I’m still a sophomore college student- it’s different when you’re asian in a third world country).

When I call him out for the things he said and do, often enough he forgot about it- and that I was lying. I’ll never forget the time where he was angry because I didnt pass any of the college entrance exams and that I should’ve aced all of them. I guess my excuse was, I was asking him all summer (before college exams started) to enrol me for exam centres. He was so focused to get me to fly out of the country with my aunt that summer..

He still blamed me (and I know I should blame myself to for failing those exams).

Now my mother, my mother is an angel. For all her marriage she was loyal- for a time she did leave. She wanted to get away from my father but she went back to us because she felt guilty (?). So she devoted her life to be better. She wanted to prove she was good to herself (?), and my father’s side of the family.

After a few years, my father changed (because of “trauma” I suppose). Hed beat my mother and call her so many things in earshot (and even in front of me) that my dad and I often buttheads. He threw objects at me too lol. I didn’t know the difficulty level also goes up when you grow older.

Now it’s just. Tiring. I don’t know where Imm going with this and how to conclude it- when there’s nothing to conclude. I’m sorry you’re reading this when you’re having a good time I just didnt know where else to go.