This feeling is eating me up inside and I just need to get it out. It literally feels as if it is consuming me from the inside and whirling around in my mind constantly. It aches so much it makes me cry.

Any time I see a mother or read about motherhood in books or anything like that, it just triggers this terrible ache. In my heart at first but down to my gut and radiating out and filling my mind. I want to be a mom so bad. I want to have that feeling of warmth and hope knowing you're carrying a life. I want those terrible morning sickness moments and to feel the first little flutter of movement. I want to see my belly grow round. I crave these things with an unexplainable desire that slips through my fingers when I try to latch on and understand it. All I know is I need it.

But we have to wait. My wife is due a promotion, but a position needs to open first and we don't know when it will. We want to buy a house before we have children, but first we want the promotion so we can be at the best position possible to raise a family. Ideally, we could afford an actual wedding before a baby, but probably not. And apparently sperm banks are insanely expensive and that's just another cost.

Money. Money. Money. Always money.

I just want to be a mom and share that with her.