It’s been almost 5 weeks since we said goodbye. No one knows I’m suffering inside.

We met on Reddit of all places. Two immigrants, it turned out. We fell in love and had a passionate, loving, amazing relationship that only the two of us knew about. Each other’s little secret.

I’m in my early 40s. I posted an ad looking for something casual. I got a few strange replies but soon forgot about it. Then out of the blue she messages me. 20 years younger than me, swearing she’s not a catfish. I had to laugh - isn’t that exactly what a catfish would say? We started texting anyway. Our situations had us both looking for something noncommittal but physical. Instead of jumping into it we chatted for awhile. Our banter and chemistry was great. She was smart, funny, creative. And incredibly sexy.

Eventually we agreed to meet. I arrived early and had a drink. I sat and waited. She was late. I thought I’d been ghosted.

And then she arrived.

I’ll never forget watching her walk down the stairs into the place. We had swapped photos but this was my first time fully seeing her and I was blown away. Even better than that, our banter and rapport were even stronger in person. We had a drink. Then another. Our first date was bar hopping and banter throughout downtown. I asked to kiss her. She let me. We made out a bit. When we said goodbye that night I thought I wouldn’t hear from her again. She was too great a person to want a fling with me.

As with most major life-changing events, it happened unexpectedly. We had no intention of falling in love. So of course that’s exactly what happened.

We were inseparable. We explored the city, went to concerts, restaurants, the movies, art galleries. We snuck into book signings to take advantage of free wine. We walked along the beach. We hiked. We biked. We talked every day. We fucked all over the city. She was so smart and creative and hilarious. Our age difference didn’t seem like the massive gap we thought it would be. We cared for each other when we had colds, we celebrated each other’s birthdays. She was my best friend and my shoulder to lean on and I was hers. Right before New Years we found a tree with wishes tied all over it. I wished for her to find true happiness. It made her cry. I couldn’t have loved her more.

When covid hit and we went into lockdown, we figured we could weather the storm. But time apart showed us that we had been enjoying an exceptionally wonderful fantasy. Our living situations - our lives outside of each other - made it impossible to enjoy a true life together. I couldn’t hold her back or let her waste her life on someone who had already had a lifetimes worth of experiences. She had too much potential and deserved someone who could be everything she deserved.

We met one last time. Sitting under some palm trees along the river on a sunny afternoon. We kissed. I held her face. We said we loved each other. One last kiss and she was gone. I told her I’d check in on her but I don’t think I’ll actually talk to her again. It’s not fair to her for me to insert myself into her life. It hurts so bad knowing I’ll never walk around the city at night holding her hand. We will never again try to outdo each other with terrible puns.

I’m sorry to you, the reader. This post is long and probably boring and terrible. I’m selfish for dumping this here but I have no one else to talk to about it.

But mostly I’m sorry I couldn’t be what she needed. I’m sorry she’s probably hurting too. I’m sorry she cried tears over me. I love you so much. I know the best is yet to come for you. It just hurts right now.