It really messed me up. I haven't been actively suicidal in about 5 years, but during my first year at university 3 years ago, I used to think about jumping in front of the train whenever I was near the station. I actively avoided it whenever I could because the thoughts were so strong and against everything I felt whenever I wasn't there.

I was parked right below the platform the other day when a person jumped. I knew immediately what had happened because I was asked to move my car before emergency vehicles got there. I had to drive around the block to pick someone up at a different spot, and in doing so was up on a hill and able to see the platform. I saw body parts. There was something splattered on the front of the train. The engineer looked absolutely horrified.

I can't get the image out of my head. I (safely) took anything available to be able to sleep the first night. Tonight that has failed, and I don't want to risk getting anywhere near the point of "I'll take another... and another... and another" until I knock out.

It's also coming up on 2 years since I lost one of my best friends to suicide. While it wasn't the same method, the aftermath is most likely very similar, and sometimes I see it with her there instead of the stranger. I'm scared if I sleep, it will just keep playing out in various ways in my head.

Driving past the station has sent me into an anxiety attack every time since, or even just thinking about it. I have to pass it nearly every single day.

I know it takes time to process and move on, but I'm not sure I can do that alone. I only told 1 person about the intrusive thoughts and I'm worried anyone else will think that means I am/was suicidal when I thought them and force me into intensive treatment/hospitalization when that's not the case at all.