I would like to date a girl. Someone the opposite of me, someone settled in herself and gentle and never says a single swear word. Not because they’re bad words but because she doesn’t like how they taste on her lips and in her throat. She’d be soft and strong and teach me a lot of things. And then we would part ways probably because I don’t do long term anymore because I’m only good for a little while, until you get to know me. I believe that I am a curse and that is why I would like this girl. She would show me that I’m not, that it’s easy to love me if you really want to.

I think I’d be done dating after her, I think I would call it a night and crawl back into the cozy bed of single life, content with my experiences and understanding what is out there and what I want out of my own life. But I think that I will never do this, either of these things. Because I am scared, or because I really only think these things when I am sad. I don’t know and I believe that’s ok for now. But maybe one day. When I am better and things are brighter, I’ll have it in me to find out if that’s part of what I really want.

My parents would cry, my brothers wouldn’t understand, hell, I don’t understand. My mother would tel me that this was one of her biggest fears (as she has for years now, unwittingly telling her bisexual daughter that she is not okay as she is) and she failed to parent me right and my dad would probably get stuck in his head, reminded of every one of his siblings that turned out even slightly gay and all the hurt in that history. Maybe I wouldn’t speak to them again, maybe it would shatter our relationship to the point of taking years to repair.

I don’t know anything at this point but I know that in my head this feels soft and safe as a thought. It feels like comfort and laying in a sunspot on the floor in summertime, reading in a hammock and falling asleep before finishing your chapter. It feels like all of the bright, sunny moments in life that I have not experienced but have longed for so desperately when my world has been nothing but grey, harsh clouds, storms and the National playing in the background. It feels like a romanticized version of myself and my life that I escape to in my head when things are unbearable. Somewhere I’d like to dwell, even just for a moment of my life.