I’m a married man of nearly five years. One daughter. I have a decent, secure, job with a good career path and good pay. Basically, I feel like “I’ve made it”. But...the job I have is boring as piss (but the company is fantastic). Additionally, my marriage is pretty toxic. Some physical abuse (not by me) and some cheating (by me) early in my marriage (I wanted to break up with my wife due to her toxicity but ended up staying because she got pregnant). So maybe some resentment there lead to my adultery.

Anyhow, all of the cheating is in the past and I’ve been good since but the fucking toxicity is still there. We deal with it but, recently, these days I fantasize about moving on and getting the hell out of there.

On top of that, when I get to work my theme song of the day, just like every day, is “Everyday is exactly the same” by the Nine Inch Nails. I’m starting to hate going to work (honestly, who really wants to GO to work) and I don’t look forward to the weekends because there isn’t shit to do at home except to try to stay out of the way of my god damn wife that likes to be mostly angry about “clutter” in a mostly clean ass condo (trust me, the place looks great but not to her standards).

Speaking of the place we have, it’s fucking tiny. Two bedroom, two bath for three people. Second bedroom is filled with a lot of my stuff because there’s too much shit in our bedroom (her stuff) that I can’t fit in our bedroom as a result. Which means that our near four year old daughter sleeps in our bedroom with her own little bed. My wife and I make a combined near $200k but we can’t afford shit better because we live in the Bay Area of Northern California.

I want to fucking scream. I have a hard time deriving pleasure out of anything these days. I play video games at night to escape reality, I’ve tried taking up a hobby like beer brewing but it’s not working. I’d say that i should start taking classes towards my MBA but my wife will just start a fight over it because I wouldn’t be “helping”.

I know plenty of people have it worse than I and maybe I should keep that perspective but fuck. If there was anytime in my life where I wanted to just GTFO of here, it’s now.

Maybe it’s cabin fever with this COVID issue, maybe it’s depression and maybe it’s just the onset of a midlife crisis but damn. I derive little pleasure out of anything these days. To include sex. I’m just rudderless anymore. Adrift in the ocean of life.