There are days I feel like all of the progress I made so far crumbles and burns. I have deep issues with self-esteem and quite frankly, a pathological sense of unworthiness/unlovability. I've always felt like a misfit, and I just can't be normal. I'm always feeling like there is some pace in life I can't keep up to. I'm constantly unhappy and it just feels like I can't enjoy life. I feel stuck and hopeless. My life isn't bad per si, it's just my perceptions and feelings about it. Sometimes I feel someone else could have my life and make a better use of it, because I clearly suck and I'm wasting those resources.

There are people that tell me I' wonderful, and want to spend time with me, but I will listen to the ones that don't value me, because I guess that deep inside it's what resonates with my own feelings of inadequacy. This has led me to seek so bad the approval of people that didn't really cared about me, like coaches, professors, men I dated.

I would train extra hard, study extra hard, try extra hard to be someone worth of love, but no matter what I did/got, and let me tell you, I'm an overachiever so I got a PhD and medals & championships, and even all that, it didn't help me feel enough. I not even seem to savor my accomplishments, it feels like "It was just my duty and what everyone does". I would question my efforts and my own feelings.

I'll not even go into the relationships topic because that's a minefield. I ultra-sensitive to rejection and even the slightly hint of it can crush me and push me into a completely unbalanced emotional state. Not the type "I will destroy this persons life" but more "I should just disappear in the woods because no one will ever care about me".

I've been doing therapy for a long time now, about 7 years. And I have improved, but I still get lows quite frequently and honestly it's so frustrating. I just want to be able to enjoy my life, before I can't do it anymore, but it always seems to be this force pulling me down, breaking me into pieces. :(