Hi there, I'll start this off by explaining the situation. First off, I'm 18m, living with my father(58) and my sister(22). My mom and my dad split up over the course of a few months starting in the fall. Now my mom is living in an apartment a few cities over close to the business she runs. Overall it's amicable but feelings are definitely negative about my mom among my dad and my sister, more strongly with my sister. They aren't unjustified. My father is unemployed and has been for a while now, and where we live is very expensive, so we have to move soon. Time is of the essence, though, for two reasons; our lease expires at the end of June, and right now might be my dad's only shot at leaving the area for a long time, and to be frank, he isn't getting younger.

In April, my dad started to plan for him and I to move to New Mexico, because my sister was going to UNM for her senior year come summer. Around that time I had an extremely bad anxiety episode, it was probably the worst week of my life up until that point. Around that time I leaned heavily on my mother, despite having not talked much with her over the past few months. I eventually recovered from that and we began to plan our move the next few weeks. Initially I wasn't sold on the idea of Albuquerque but I did end up growing to love it, especially since we decided that me, my dad, and my sister would all still live together there. Eventually, my dad found a place out in the desert in New Mexico that he really loved, but I really averse to it, I didn't like the idea of living in the middle of nowhere. Around this time, I had a second anxiety episode, very horrible, one that I'm(very hopefully) coming out of right now. I enrolled in a virtual partial hospitalization program to help get me back on my feet. During this time, my dad decided for him and I to stay here, because we felt that I need the stability.

A few days ago, I started to get doubts about that. I would wake up panicking that life here with my sister gone would be horribly depressing, and I was mourning the New Mexico adventure that we had created for ourselves. I was absolutely crushed by the thought of my sister, someone who is my absolute best friend. I was broken hearted that our family was now all dispersing, with just my dad and I staying together. I brought this up, and we decided to start looking for places in Albuquerque, and I applied to UNM. Worth noting that time is of the essence here, because the lease expires the end of June. I was still unsure about this, though, because of how tumultuous the past month had been for me emotionally, I didn't know if that would be a horrible mistake. The next few days, I questioned this more and more, and began to think that moving to a brand new city thousands of miles away from where I grew up, from where I've lived my entire life, thousands of miles from my mother, away from any mental health resources I have here, was going to be a grave error for my mental health. This morning my dad said it's time to make choice and that we have to decide soon. I spent all today torn between the two options, eventually leaning towards staying here. I felt guilty for flip-flopping, so I decided to ask my mom if I could stay with her. She said yes, but I would have to work for her over the summer. I felt split between going with my dad and sister into a situation that could be potentially disastrous for me emotionally, or living with my mom in her dingy apartment, sleeping in a small loft nook, and working at her restaurant(I don't so much mind that part). Also, my sister and father are kind of my My family discussed this tonight over dinner, and pretty much decided that I would stay with my mom but I wasn't satisfied at all, and left dinner early kind of in a mope. I know this sounds immature but I felt so drained and so broken from the anxiety episodes and the constant ups and downs and everything that I couldn't hide my frustration, not at anyone in particular but at the situation. I could hear my dad and sister discussing things, and one line I heard that sticks out now is "I'll spread your ashes over the Sandias, that may be the only way you'll get out there", said by my sister to my dad. When I came back in, my dad said I shouldn't have to be making these sorts of decisions right now, that it's okay to change my mind, and that he was going to stay here. I was so unbelievably thankful that he was so understanding. He mentioned that we may end having to move in with my mom. My sister was very obviously pissed off at me about this.

Paradoxically, now I feel worse. I hate that, but I do. I feel so fucking guilty about it. I'm holding my father back. I'm separating the family again. Yeah, we might be back with my mom, but it's not like they're getting back together or anything. The distance was good. As I mentioned, this is a small window of opportunity for my father to get out of the city and out to New Mexico, and I closed it. He's 58. It isn't quite old, but it's not young. I'm 18, I shouldn't even be living with my family in the first place. And again, creeping thoughts that this is the absolute wrong decision and we have to go out to Albuquerque are coming back. Creeping thoughts that this will only lead to a depressing existence, with a fractured family and no escape from the city. It SHOULD be my dad and my sister and I out in New Mexico, I've known that all along. But it won't be, because of me, an adult. An adult son holding back his aging father from finally leaving the city and going a place he actually wants to be. An adult son who's going to force his two separated parents to live together because he was feeling fragile. I don't know what to do. I don't even know what question I'm asking. Of course I can't say anything now, because what am I going to say? 'Hey, you know how I was completely discontented with any option presented to me three times in a row until you decided at great cost to abandon your plans of moving and potentially move into your estranged wife's apartment just for me? That doesn't feel right either, let's go back to those options again.' Once again, I shouldn't even give a shit what my dad or mom does, I shouldn't even be home. I should be at college like all of my friends and everyone at my age. I know it's useless to wallow in self pity but I don't know what to say. I just wish I hadn't lost my shit.

TL;DR: My family was planning on moving to New Mexico, where we've wanted to go for a long time, but my dad and I are staying back because of anxiety episodes I've been having. This could be a long term decision for my father.