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I always thought that being busy equaled being happy. Thatās how I was raised, thatās who my mom is and who she taught me how to be. I have watched her work her 12 hour days and be ruined by them and become someone who I know she doesnāt want to be. To be fair, sheās always been pretty high strung and has never been the most soft mother that has ever existed. And I always thought I wouldnāt turn out like her, I promised myself that I wouldnāt. But here we are, I am 21, and I feel like all I know how to do is work. When I was younger I used to obsess over being busy, I wanted to work from the time that I was 12. And even through college for some reason I have had this idea that if I wasnāt working the hardest out of everybody that I knew I wasnāt worth the time, or I wasnāt doing enough. And that has landed me in a spot where I am working two jobs as a full-time student, and balancing out the few relationships that I have as well as trying to maintain any semblance of a social life and also my sanity.
I used to dream about having two jobs in (I am realizing I was very weird as a kid) college and being able to say āyeah I did thatā. I was one of the ones she was a full-time student but still balance two jobs and they didnāt work. I worked for what I got. Well, now that Iām here, obviously Iām miserable. Iām lonely, I live seven hours away from the friends that I had, Iām making so many more errors, and Iām always stressed out. The funny part is, when I wasnāt working and just doing school, I was also miserable. I barely made it to classes. And Iām starting to realize that this isnāt an issue of being a workaholic or being lazy or being my mother. This is an issue that I have with feeling like Iām never enough for anything. And thatās something that I have to work on and learn how to be OK in spite of my fear of not being enough. I havenāt even started that work yet, but I will.
However, right now I just want to wallow and shout this into the void where thereās no consequence, not the real ones. Iāll figure it out eventually, but for now I just need to be sad for a little bit. And Iām thankful the subs like this exist so I donāt have to be scared that someone wonāt understand me in real life or Iāll say everything wrong and miscommunicated ad o most often do.
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- 4 years ago
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- reddit.com/r/offmychest/...