So today I lost the girl that had everything I ever wanted. I hate myself for ruining something that was and could have been amazing. I should have gone to a friend or my brother for advice, but I’m not someone to express my feelings so I tried to deal with my shit internally and it ended up ruining things. So before meeting this girl I was single for about 6 months, but my ex (yup she was part of this) and I kept in touch because we were on good terms. I meet this girl at a bar and we it hit off right away. I found her so beautiful and her personality was amazing that we connected fluently on things. We were together for about 4 months and during this time I felt amazing with her. She showed me so much care and affection than I have ever gotten in my past relationships. I told her about my ex and how we weren’t together, but still friends. However, the thing I didn’t tell her is that at times I would come over to her house and we would chill to the point that I would fall asleep at her place. However, we never did anything sexual. This is the stupid part that I should have been open with and not have done in the first place.

My ex and I were together for about 2 years. She was the first girl I ever loved. It’s very comfortable being around her because we know each other so well and its easy to talk. However, there were many ups and downs during those 2 years. One of the major things that was tough was that she had many break downs and suffered from depression due to things that had happen in her past. She would shutdown at times and not talk to me and to the point that she would cut herself. She would also say that not waking up would be good and things along those lines. I was always there and did my best to help her calm down. She told me I was the best thing that has ever happened to her and that I was her best friend. However, it just got to point where I was just so mentally drained that I lost my love for her. During the relationship I gave her so much of myself that I never got the affection that I wanted. So it ended, but we kept in touch and I would be there if she ever needed me. Now fast forward to the time I’m with the girl I lost. During that time, I did not tell my ex because I feared what would happen if I told her I was with another girl. By hanging out and sleeping at her place I unintentionally lead her on to think maybe it would work again. One day the girl I was with called my phone and my ex saw. She questioned me about her, and I lied. I told her she was a friend. I was just to scared tell her because I did not want to hurt her feelings. I knew it would affect her badly. Well, she didn’t believe me opened my phone and saw my text messages and saw I was seeing someone. She ended up calling the girl (yup I know) She got so upset about it that we argued, and she had a total breakdown. She was hitting herself and trying to cut herself. I held her down and ended up calming her down. We talked for a bit and I left.

The girl that I was seeing did not want anything to do with me for a time. I was however one day able to get through her and we meet up. I told her the truth and the reason why I did what I did. She understood and gave me a second chance. I promised to myself that I would do everything to keep her and make her happy. I basically broke her trust and needed to rebuild it, which is something not easy. I thought things were going ok. We had many good dates together; we would sleep together with no issues. However, she came over today because she wanted talk and she explained to me that she has being having a hard time. She isn’t happy and it’s been affecting not just our relationship but work as well. She wants space to find herself and be happy before she can move on with me, if that opportunity happens again.

I don’t fault her for feeling that way because it was all my fault. I told her I would respect her decision and that I hope she comes back to me. I’m sad because for these past 4 months I felt so happy than I did in 2years with my ex. It sucks letting her go. I just want to move forward in my life, and I’ve decided that I have to distance myself from my ex. I can’t always be there for her.