I'm part of a Facebook group that began on some old forums 11 years ago- a private one where we talked about everything, ranging from really personal stuff like mental illness and raw details about our relationships to lighthearted stuff like beauty tips and everyday gripes and achievements. For 11 years I had continuous contact with these women and I felt got to know them pretty well.

I've never felt particularly included by this group- never one of the darlings who were universally liked. And while at times I was the recipient of their emotional/moral support, at others I felt ignored and made to feel annoying or stupid. Nothing malicious... but enough to make me feel unwelcome.

Recently it was my birthday and on your birthday everyone in the group gets a shout out. I mean everyone- even members who participate infrequently. I almost always wish people a happy birthday unless we have a longstanding mutual indifference. Well, I didn't get one. And it's not like no one knew. A lot of these women are on my FB friends list, so plenty of them would have been notified that it was my birthday. As small as the whole situation was... I have to admit, it was really hurtful that no one bothered for me, especially since the same thing happened last year.

Another thing that happened recently that upset me was that I posted a selfie, the FIRST selfie I took that I actually liked since I contracted a disfiguring illness 3 years ago. I have been incredibly self-conscious since and it took legit guts to post it, and I only shared it with that group. No one liked it or commented on it, even though we have a designated selfie thread where basically every picture gets 20 likes. Mine? ZERO. It was super upsetting.

I know the context of this might sound like it's coming from the mind of someone social media-obsessed and very insecure. Likes, comments, shout outs, who cares? But this is the way this group communicates with each other and the relationships are very much personal. I'm not pursuing attention from followers I have no personal relationship with, but just general emotional support and validation that I'm a valued member of the community. It feels like I am being excluded when the simple desire to feel valued and validated is not met. There were also a number of smaller instances over the last few months that added up to a bigger whole, and it was actually weighing me down greatly, and recently I just stopped participating in discussions entirely.

Today I came to the conclusion that I needed to leave that part of my life behind. I needed to release the burden of their opinion and acceptance of me because it clearly wasn't working out. And while I'm still hurt by their indifference towards me after all this time and knowing me so well, I know that feeling of rejection will fade away in time. There are a few ladies I really do feel are my friends and will remain that way outside of the group, but other than that- as of today, I am cutting my losses and moving on.

I won't lie, it is actually pretty scary. There were times I had nowhere else to turn to and they were there for me. It was a legitimate support network and I basically closed the door on that for good. I feel sad, mournful even... but also relieved. I've been considering this for awhile and finally pulling the trigger on the whole thing has me focused on how I should move forward, rather than what I can do to be more accepted. I know in my heart it was the right thing to do.