When I was 16, on October 7th 2013, my life changed forever.  I answered the door late at night when I was home alone and there was police outside my door. I was shaking as I just felt something horrible happened, but I did not expect to get the news I heard. They told me my mother had passed away in the bus on the way to come back home from work. They didn’t have any explanation to answer why it happened, just that her heart had stopped when the ambulance got to her. Later, during the autopsy, they figured the most probable cause would be an anaphylactic shock because of a wasp sting. I screamed and wondered why this had to happen to her, I would do anything to be in her place to let her live. I always think about what was going through her mind when it happened. Did she know she was dying? Was she scared? Did she think about us? … Thinking about this makes me break down all over again.

Barely 5 years later, on August 15th  2018 my father passed away. He was hospitalized on August 10th because he was feeling pain in his chest. He called me the day he went to the hospital to tell me that he was there and to go and see him later. I told him I would come to see him later that day as medical appointments were a common occurrence for him, and I didn’t think more of it. This was the last conversation we had. His situation deteriorated so quickly, as he was very sick. The doctor said he had cirrhosis as well as pulmonary hypertension as a result of his struggle with alcohol when he was younger, even though he worked hard to get treatment and had been sober for 3 years... He worked hard to get through his demons. He must have been sick for a while, but he did not tell us anything. After he passed away, we found lung medication that was hidden in his drawers. I was not even able to speak to him during his hospitalization as he was quickly put on life support because his breathing was erratic after having a convulsion. They then removed the life support as he was breathing on his own but not lucid.., he then he had another convulsion and had breathing problems again. He passed away as the doctors were attempting to put the breathing tube back in. He was there for me after my mother passed away and I miss his love so much. He would always tell me how much he is proud of me. We had so many things in common and would have conversations on so many topics and issues. I had so much hope that he would get better and even if the prognosis was not good, I wanted to be able to take care of him until his last days.

It's been so difficult. Especially since during my teenage years, my relationship with my parents was tumultuous and I feel like I wasted so many years fighting about useless shit. I wish we had cherised our time together more. Life fucking sucks. It's hard to find people to relate to and I just pretend like I'm fine but I'm anxious and depressed. I barely want to get out of bed. I've seen therapists and I don't feel like any helped and I don't want to take any medication.

I am jealous of everyone who can still talk to their parents. I am jealous of everyone who had the opportunity of living a full life alongside their parents. I am jealous of everyone that was able to take care of their elderly parents and say their last words. Both of my parents did not see their 60's. They did not have time to get wrinkles, there barely had any grey hairs.

  At the age of 22, I feel completely lost and broken. I am mad at the world, I am mad at life, and I hate myself so deeply. I feel like I don't deserve to live a happy life after all the pain my mom and dad went through, and all the pain I caused them. There were a lot of times where I thought about ending my life, but I know I can't throw away the life they gave me.

tl;dr I lost both my parents suddenly by the age of 21 and miss them everyday. I hope everyone gives a hug to their mom/dad/caretaker today.