Maybe what I’ve spent years waiting to find doesn’t exist. I’m beginning to lose faith in it. I’m ready to give up and just settle for something that makes me moderately content instead. I’m tired of letting myself be miserable now under the guise of it helping me find happiness in the future. Because it isn’t working, and I’m tired. My heart and soul are so exhausted I can hardly breathe. And I know so many others in the same place as I am mentally. Maybe we’re all just miserable in one way or another and the whole “it’ll eventually work out” thing is just something we tell ourselves so we don’t feel constantly miserable. I don’t know at this point, it’s something I’ve been telling myself for years but things still haven’t changed for the better in any sustainable way. Maybe I’ve just been lying to myself this whole time. For a few months there I thought I finally had what I spent years waiting for, but it’s been dangling just out of my reach and I’m tired of trying to hold onto it. I have to let it go and find somewhere else to divert my attention. If it comes back to me and is finally within reach, I’ll be happy to go back, but until then I have to move on with my life. But it has to come to me, I won’t pursue it anymore. No more trying to will things to go the way I want them to because I’m done setting myself up for heartbreak and disappointment. I can’t take it anymore. So I’ll go about my life and fill the void with cheap thrills and mild contentment until I can find something deeper, because although I know that isn’t ideal in any way, I don’t know what else I can do. Because nothing I know of compares what I’m currently being forced to give up. I really am stuck between a rock and a hard place, hopefully one day soon things will come together the right way. I don’t know how much faith I have in that being the case, but I suppose time will tell.