So my nan died in 2014, on the 9th of February (today), and it has obviously now been 5 years. So far this has been possibly the most emotionally-stressful anniversary of her passing because of other stuff going on and my other grandmother being in hospital for a week. Anyway I'm more here to talk about nan.

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She was an incredible woman; my best friend and my second mother, pretty much. We were incredibly close and I would go to her house as often as I could to listen to show tunes, make cakes and do pamper-y girl-y nights with her and my sister. It was great and I have fond memories, of course. I made cakes on the first 4 anniversaries but wasn't able to today for reasons I won't go into - definitely going to do what I can tomorrow, however, after visiting other grandma.

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Nan - Bertha/Betty - was kind, brave, loving and fair. She'd of course be strict if she had to be, but that was rare as we were all always so well-behaved in her care, even my little shit (I say this lovingly) cousins, J and B, who were honestly the naughtiest boys you could find in my city at the time for their age, lol. J was like me, super close to nan and devastated when she passed. I remember as kids, nan would grab some wood, nails and a couple hammers from my gramps work-shed so me and J could just hammer nails into the wood in the garden and talk, ahha. Actually it was one of those days that I came out as bisexual to J, who is 6 years younger than me and understood better than some adults in my life did, bless his heart. (Don't ask why he was the first person I came out to; I think it was just the amount of time we spent together. Also as an incredibly socially awkward and anxious 13/14 year old at the time, I didn't really know who else to tell I guess, and despite being so rough he was quite mature for his age)

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Moving on.. We used to go on holiday in a caravan once a year, just for a week or two. It was amazing and all of us grandkids loved it, especially as it was our time to see the grandparents without the other grandkids getting "in the way" and taking all the attention. On these trips I'd learn about my love of rock climbing, my love of the beach and collecting pebbles, and my love of exploring. We'd have tonnes of fun going to the beach, the arcades, wasting mum and dads money lol, I only have great memories there from my actual childhood. Things changed in my teen years, of course, when my depression started coming up to the surface more and just natural teen-stuff started happening, but I'm not going to go into detail on that here as I still feel extreme guilt from one of the last holidays I actually went on.

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Bertha had breast cancer when I was younger. I think maybe 7/8 years old? Anyway. She had the affected breast removed and managed to make it through, thank god, all while annoying shit me would bug her at the hospital and bug mum to take me to see her at the hospital and probably bug the hospital staff, aha. She died of a different type of cancer, I think it was uterus or womb or something around that region, and it took quite a long time. She spent the last week or two of her life in a hospice, I believe.

I was not allowed to visit.

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I still miss her, every single day. Whenever I do something, I think "would nan be proud if I do this?". Most of the times, despite the outcome, I believe the answer would be yes. She was the supportive type and, unless it would get you or someone else hurt, she'd back you up through just about anything. I miss having that support in my life.

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So in conclusion, nan, I miss the hell out of you. I wish I could just talk to you again, once more, or see you, or something. You were an incredible nana and an outstanding woman and I wish you hadn't died so soon before you were meant to.

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If there's a heaven, I hope you're happy there, with all the past pets who have passed on to the next world. If there's reincarnation, I hope we meet again in this life. If there's nothing, well.. at least you're no longer in pain.