I love you so much, even after all this time.

When I think about how it’s been ten years since we were a couple, I don’t know how to reconcile that information with reality. In most ways, the world is unrecognizable from where we were in 2009. In 2008 you were the reason I supported Barack Obama. That year was our summer year. I should have known that it wouldn’t last, but I was hoping I would wrong. In a cruel twist of fate, we lived most of the Obama administration apart. We only got 4 days in before we were over.

My cheating ended our relationship. I hurt you and your trust. I was never able to make it up to you. It’s taken me a long time to forgive myself for messing up like I did. I have to take it one day at a time.

I can’t imagine that I’ve lived so much of my adult life without you. I got my law degree, passed the bar, got sober, and got married. You may have been the one that pushed my boat away from the dock, my first first mate. But others came in after you were gone.

I have so many reasons for loving you like I do. You were so smart. You were so funny. You were the most attractive man I had ever been with. I always thought it was stupid for people to say another person completes them, but you were the first person who ever made me whole.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but you were the first person who adored me romantically. I had so much baggage from coming out of the closet. You showed me that I didn’t need to hide. You were the first person I ever cuddled with and felt at peace with. Yours was the first heart I ever felt beat on a Saturday morning, laying still in the dawn light.

I don’t know how to apologize or make this better. I suspect that you don’t care that I am still thinking about you. I don’t even know why I’m still thinking about you. College love is supposed to melt away and people are supposed to laugh when they run into each other again after years, sharing a hug that is familiar but given to a stranger. That won’t happen for us.

Everyone said that this was going to get better; that I’d get over you. And life did get better, there’s no doubt about that. And I wouldn’t change any of it. But this pain never went away. I never got over losing you. I will never get over you. But life will go on, and I have learned to live without you.

That pain is still 3 inches from center in my chest. It’s so familiar and ever present now that I don’t remember a time where it wasn’t there. It was there when I was with you, burning like an ember, summoning flames of joy. It’s hardened to a fist of basalt, embedded in tissue and blood. Its presence and weight is always there, and sometimes it cleaves and a sharp edge digs into my flesh.

I wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn’t driven you away. I wish I was still your friend. I wish you the best, every day. I will always love you.