i got out of rehab january 1st. i met a lot of cool people there that i'll probably never see again. i'm kind of used to that, though. i've had about 15 close friends die. i'm only 36. my boyfriend just had a heart attack june 3rd. i woke up and found him dead in the corner of our bedroom.

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i'm currently staying in a small hotel room with two guys i met in rehab. they're both straight--i'm gay--but i connected deeply with one of them. we plan on going on a road trip after our six months of intensive outpatient. unfortunately he has hepatitis b and c and is probably dying. we went out a couple nights ago and "relapsed" (my drug of choice was opiates, but his was alcohol). he got really wasted, and his nose started bleeding. he said he won't live very long. there's no cure for hepatitis b, and his liver is failing. so are his kidneys.

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i've had some experiences that lead me to believe in the possibility of a god. i don't know that. the chances of an afterlife seem slim. i think reincarnation could be a thing, but without any memories, what's the point? i don't know. i miss drugs. drugs make me feel ok.