I'm a gay male.

He and I have known each other 5 years. We never had sex or an in love relationship. We knew when each of us had problems from suicidal tendencies to financial issues. We had no secrets. He's bi and claimed to be gay before he met his wife. They both told me they play around and I've been aware of this since they were married about 2 years ago.

He was the closest friend I have had in years, the love, concern, and best buddy feelings I had for him ran deep. He told me at one point while drunk, he wished he'd married me instead, but I blew it off and ignored it. He's just drunk, you know. I really liked him as a friend, and I wasn't crossing that line.

We never crossed this boundary before, and we started making out for about 5 minutes while stoned, then gave each other oral sex for about one minute each and stopped. Since he and his wife sleep around, I didn't think too much about it, his wife knows me anyway. I did not intend to do it again though, and planned on discussing it with him the next time I got a chance. It was an accident.

For the next 2 days, everything was normal. On the third day he stopped texting and talking to me. I didn't freak out. I waited about 5 days and texted "hey! what's up?" Nothing. I waited about 8 days and texted "what ya up to?," and again, nothing. A month later, I finally texted again, and he replied saying that what we did made him feel "awkward." I replied that my friendship with him was important to me and that I wanted to work it out and just move forward. That I wanted to be his friend. He made no response.

It took about 7 minutes to destroy my most important friendship.

I have no idea what to do. Still don't. And I've been devastated and feel completely alone. I have other friends, yes. But our friendship was pretty special.

I don't bother him. To set up emotional protection for myself, I eventually removed myself from his fb page. I feel like I've lost a little brother I never had. Like someone has died.

I just want to get it out of my head and move on, but it keeps popping in there uncontrollably. I try to stay busy, so I don't have to deal with it as much, but I can't get it out of my head. Seems I'm the only one getting punished here.

I just want the friendship to go back to where it was. I wish we could heal it. I wish I felt safe enough to contact him. :'(

If you respond, please be kind. I've learned that in all relationships, accidents happen and that we can't always fix them. I'm trying to become a better person, even if it's without my best friend.

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