I've always been a loner. Since I was little I always struggled with loneliness, low self-esteem brought on by overweight, and a fear of dying alone and unloved.

But 4 years ago, it all changed. I discovered a passion for motorcycles, which came about a couple months after a miserably failed suicide attempt. And it made me want to live for myself. I had a health problem that encouraged me to get on a diet and lose weight, and now I am attractive and my self esteem is through the roofs. Sometimes it goes down again.

All this led me to find a beautiful woman, fun, joyful, full of happiness and a gorgeous smile and laugh. I fell head over heels for this woman. If I ever doubted I'd experiment true love, I no longer do. I know what it feels in movies when a man sees a woman and she has hearts all around her and a celestial light above her.

I don't mean we are all the time happy. We have our fights and disagreements. Moments where I was angry and frustrated with her. But eeven after all that, I still feel that love under all. The anger is just temporal, but the love never left. It is the fundament of our relationship and it is present through all circumstances.

However that beautiful feeling I have been experiencing with her is also what caused the most incredible fear and pain I've ever felt.

Last week, she contracted a virus. It is a dangerous but somewhat controllable virus that is gone in a few weeks if they take care of themselves.

Words of encouragement and visits to the doctor were first on the list. But every single day more and more pain was present. Even though she was resting, the pain increased. Due to work reasons, we need an official permission to be absent from work, given by a government health institution.

We head there to get her tested and treated because the pain is scalating and not subsiding, but they reject from diagnosing her on the first day because she didn't present herself in the designated time, from 8 am to 2 pm. As if diseases had a schedule. The second day she is sent to get blood tests, but the lab is overworked and they schedule her for the next day. Third day comes and she goes to get tested, but the results will be given directly to her doctor on her next appointment, which is on the fifth day, a Friday.

Friday comes and the pain is unbearable, and the doctor tells her that her blood work (done 2 days before) shows that she should go to the E.R. Once we get to the E.R. we are told to wait our turn. An hour goes by, two go by and all they do is check her pulse and pressure and she's back on the waiting room to await for the doctor.

As I write this I am getting shivers and a huge pit in my stomach. Just remembering it makes my head feel heavy and the fear to rush back. I will never forget the moment that scared me more than anything in my life.

She's crying. I keep telling her to hold on, be strong, it'll pass. She turns to me and says I don't want to breath anymore. I can't stand it any longer. She closes her eyes and passes out. She stopped breathing, too.

As I'm writing it I feel literally disturbed. I feel my breathing become shorter and more painful. I want to cry, I want to go right now and hug her and tell her again that she is the most important person in the world, no, she IS my world.

Only when she had the pain shock was she admitted for treatment. I carried her in my arms to a gurney and after a couple of seconds she began trying to breath. It was like she was coughing and drowning at the same time. She got some I.V.'s and regained consciousness.

I wish that was the worst part, but I was wrong. She is now in the E.R. with two lines in her arms and she is to be transferred to another hospital with better equipment a town away. After 2 hours she finally got carried on an overcrowded ambulance and when she arrived to the "better" hospital, she was left on the side, untreated, unattended for four hours.

It was eight thirty in the night and we literally had to sneak her out of that hell place because she was feeling worse and no doctor was available to treat her. We went to a private hospital where she finally got the help she deserved.

The doctors confirmed she was in very high risk and was promptly admitted in the special treatment area. After 18 hours with an I.V. and proper medicaments, she was finally able to rest. She slept like she hadn't slept in days, which was exactly the case.

Now she's back home, but I still feel that dreaded fear because she is not completely recovered, and I fear I will suddenly lose her again. I know possitive attitude matters, and people keep telling me "it's going to be ok, be positive and don't lose your spirits". But fuck it, If I had remained possitive and thinking positively, I probably would not have gotten her back on Friday.

I want to cry I want to heal her, I want to offer my body and health in exchange for hers. So much love has made me open to an inmeasurable ammount of fear and pain. I just want her to be better.

I love her.

Edit: I wrote this to see if I felt better, and I think I am feeling a little bit better. What scared me the most was the indifference of all the medics and nurses passing by. Laughing and using their cellphones while a person was almost dying not two feet from them. It made me feel alone in the world. As if I get sick or have problems, no one will go out of their way to help me. They'll only do so if it is their job or if I have a lot of money to pay them. And even scarier, that I depended on those people to save whom I love. No matter how strong I am, I will depend on others who are mostly indifferent.