I often find it hard to look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I pull faces at him, sometimes I act out a big angry yell. I like talking where people are looking but that doesn't work with him. Sometimes I think I'll just play deaf and shake my head and shrug with apologetic eyes but the opportunity to do that rarely comes and when it does the idea starts to seem all sorts of strange and rude.

And I often just want my mind stuck in one place so it doesn't wander off too far into the future, or even worse the past. And even at my best I'm really just not trying.

And I often am mad at where I am and mad I don't know where I'm going and confused how I got here. But as soon as I figure out just what it is I want it's too late. Actually one time it wasn't too late but then the world screwed me over anyways. And I know some people don't let the world screw them over but this wasn't one of those times, I don't think.

And I often worry I'll find that despite all my fears I didn't stray too far off the path and get lost I actually went in a big circle but I wasn't paying attention to where I was before so how am I supposed to avoid doing it again? Where was I supposed to get off? When I find my way will the people there just look at me and go, "Well?" and I just want to look at them with apologetic eyes and shrug and say nothing.

And I never get things right anymore. And when I'm about to I don't know what to do and I crash. And I have dreams of crashes that never happened. Can I have dreams of that Kurt Vonnegut scene where the bombs get picked up by the airships and tucked away into neat boxes and the soldiers go home? Or at least, like something I don't have to mull over?

And I never stick to things. And I never prepare. And I never really remember things unless someone reminds me. Except the things I don't want to be reminded of.

And I can't stop myself from thinking sometimes, for a long time.