So today, I got home from a pretty good weekend with one of my friends. I went to go take a bath and since I was tired from the fun weekend I had, I decided to take a nap. My feelings went through a quick 180 when I woke up and I suddenly thought of my ex boyfriend. It's been two months since we broke up and I've been feeling so heartbroken ever since. I mean, I understood why he broke up with me, us both knowing that he had problems I just couldn't fix, but it doesn't mean at the very least that I'm still angry at him over breaking up with me and all. Sometimes I just think of the good times and get very upset with it all, just wishing that he could come back.

Recently, I met this guy on a dating app and we decided to go on a date the same day I was at an anime meetup. I decided that I needed to go and buy stuff, so I left my friends, going with him to buy a few things. Almost immediately, he held my hand and I was feeling quite touched by that action. Eventually, we decided to go to his house to hang out and he eventually began to make out with me and tried to touch me where I didn't want to be touched, which I replied with, "Too soon!" After a while of that, I told him that I wanted to teach him how to play Magic, but he told me that he had some plans to go and vape with a friend around 6. Then, he began to text someone, which I looked over his shoulder to find out that he smoked weed. I was weary, but decided to blow it off. Once his friend came, I had to leave and that was that. I went back to the meetup and after the meetup was over, I began to think about everything, knowing that I didn't want to get involved with the vape or weed stuff and I didn't want to be around an environment where I'm being touched when I don't want to be constantly, not to mention the fact that I think he was using me, so I texted him, saying that I didn't want to date him anymore. But since it was a one-day date, it doesn't count as my ex.

I'll try to nutshell my ex and why he broke up with me: He basically was a pretty nerdy man who loved a lot of the same things I did. We liked the same foods and we tried to be with each other as much as we can. As the days progressed in the relationship though, he began to not want to come visit more and more (he lived like 50 miles away) and when I did see him, he was usually at his parents, where his brothers and sisters were always there and we just never had any alone time. One day, my dad went to Florida and I tried to convince him that since he was gone, he could visit without my dad getting angry at me, which he then replied no to. I tried over and over, but he kept on saying that he had a life up in school he needed to catch up on. After a final and strict no, as far as texting goes anyway, I just gave up, but eventually I had a feeling that he was mad at me, which I asked him. He responded with, "Mad? Yes. At you? Partially." Which then, I tried to apologize over and over to him, saying that it was my fault that I convinced him to come when he didn't want to. Not getting a text back in the morning, I began to text him again, trying to apologize for my actions, which he replied with, "Good morning to you too." Since I was at work, I was only able to see it on break, so thinking he was up, I called him, wanting to talk about it for a minute, only to get a hostile greeting of, "I'm getting ready for class. What do you want?" Which I replied with, "I.... I'm sorry... I'll let you go... I love you..." But he only said, "Bye," and left me feeling like crap for the entire day. After work, I decided to call him and try to explain how I felt, but then he decided that it wasn't going to work out, so he wanted to break up with me. I screamed at him, trying to say that I had to start over again, that it was all his fault, that I was going to hurt myself over it, etc, etc, etc. Ever since then, I have not said a word to him, other than something along the lines of, "I remember when you told me that you knew how it felt to get rejected and broken up with. Now you're on the other side of the table. Think about that."

Basically, why I am here today is because of how terrible I feel in general. About myself, about guys, about dating in general... I feel like every time I even try to date, I either get used or thrown away after a few months... This has happened every. Single. Time. I'm just tired of it, and I have no freaking clue on how to even cope with it. I mean, distractions work pretty well, but they work for only so long, and I go on dating apps, only to find the same guy over and over and over again and when I do find a guy I want to talk to, they never reply. I mean, is a nerdy guy that likes anime, Magic, and D&D just too much to ask for, or am I just too ugly to talk to...?

I just want to be loved, not used or thrown away...