She was two faced. That much I already knew. I just thought she was too nice to be mean to someone to their face. God, I was so fucking stupid. Blinded by love and the care and trust I had in her. But when those walls were torn down by the same person that built them, I found her out for who she really was.

It’s not normal to kiss other guys on the cheek while standing with your boyfriend. It’s not normal to talk about how often you dreamed of being with the dude visiting you for the first time in a year. It’s not normal to fucking refuse to hold my hand while turning around and hugging every other guy in the room. It’s not normal TO SIT ON THEIR LAPS AND GRIND ON THEM WHILE ON BAND TOUR WHILE YOUR BOYFRIEND SITS AT HOME WITH ANXIETY. I’m not perfect, but you took the cake.

I did everything I could to not lose your trust. You told me sob story after sob story about how other guys had abused you and hurt you and I did everything in my power to never let you think that I would get close to thinking about it. I measured every word and action with other girls so you would have no reason to doubt my love and commitment to you. And you did everything in the last paragraph. That’s not fucking normal.

It’s been two years. TWO FUCKING YEARS. AND I STILL HAVE TO READ SHOW AND MOVIE SPOILERS SO THAT I CAN BE CONFIDENT THAT I WON’T BE WATCHING A RECREATION OF WHAT YOU DID TO ME. I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES AND ANXIETY ATTACKS BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU DID. I CANT EVEN THINK ABOUT TRUSTING ANYONE WITH MY HEART BECAUSE I’M STILL FIXING IT AFTER YOUR STUPID GAME.

You drew me in. I couldn’t stand to think you were anything less than a guardian angel for me. You took care of me when the scars of my own abuse, anxiety, depression, TORTURE, came up. You made me feel truly loved for the first time. And when I told you that, you cried and hugged and kissed me all night. You didn’t treat me like a toy, you treated me like a precious object that you needed to protect with your own life.

Or at least I thought that’s what you were doing. It turns out, you were waiting for my trust to get high enough, and then you toppled it over. You broke up with me over the phone. You used every self-doubt I had told you and used it to convince me that I was the problem. That this is what I deserved. You almost convinced me to end my life.

Now, I can’t be in same room without a rise in my anxiety. I can’t share a sidewalk with you. You’ve scared me from some of my favorite places and activities.

I hope it was worth it. I hope you’re happy with him. Because I now know you were already fucking him while I tried my best to be a better man for you. God you two are so meant for each other. Scum of the earth. So many people hate you for what you did. But hey, you had fun right?

It's okay though. Some day, I will be better. I will trust my heart to someone. And she will hold it and guard it. And when I wake up in cold sweat because of the nightmares retelling what you did, she will learn about you. And if my recounting of you to friends is any indication, you will regret everything.

I will have the last laugh. Because your will not keep me down. Someday, I will tell you exactly everything I have written here. I will tell you that you don’t affect me anymore. And you will realize that you are nothing and never will be anything.

Just like you tried to convince me.