You know what I find weird about myself? I have a form of autism and a common problem with those people is an inability to express yourself. And yet I've often been praised by people for my vocabulary and eloquent way of putting things. But at times like these, when I desperately want to put my thoughts to paper, I'm struggling not to go completely blank. I'm a writer who's suddenly lost the ability to write. The chef who has no idea what this spatula in his hand is for. Even when I sit here for what feels like ages, what I have feels inadequate to an extent.

I was the weird kid in school, time to be honest to myself. When you don't fit in with special education, chances are you won't fit in with public education either. This has lead to, as you might imagine, a rather uneventful high school life. I had maybe two friends in my class and pretty much nobody outside it. I was that kid who would often retreat into himself, albeit not my own little world, as is often the stereotype. I wasn't good with girls and I eventually found peace with that. It's gonna happen sometime, just not now. And I have fared pretty well with that up until essentially the last few months.

First problem is that, through a number of detours, I'm finally confident about actually finishing college. Dropped out, started anew, dropped out again, went on break for a year and started anew. Thing is, I'm 24. Most of my classmates come straight out of high school and are thus about 17-19. Doesn't matter how much you try, there's always an age gap. I barely have contact with anyone outside of school, let alone hanging out with them.

2,5 years ago, I was let go from my job at a supermarket. It was either a permanent contract or I got the boot. I've been searching ever since and it was fruitless until july this year. I applied at McDonald's and was hired. I was pretty stoked because not only do I have the availability of a high-schooler, at 24, I am fucking expensive. Earlier this month, I was told my contract wasn't being renewed so I was jobless again. Management seemed happy about me, my colleagues were happy, I just didn't fucking get it. You don't need to be a genius to realize that not having an income sucks fucking balls. You can't really go out and do anything.

After a while of being single, my older brother got a girlfriend last year and immediately that sinking feeling came back. They go out, they do things, they go on vacation together. It was manageable right up until a few weeks back. Out of the blue, my younger brother announces that he too now has a girlfriend and that he will be flying over to spend Christmas with her. And that mixes quite well with my own problems.

After high school, I went into IT-related paths twice. As anyone in those paths can tell you, it's a sausage fest. The upside is that there were not really any girls to turn my mind into a mess I didn't want. A few months back, I was hanging with an old colleague (one of the very few friends I have who I still regularly have contact with, a total bro) and another former colleague joined us. The more I've hung out with her, the more exhausting it's become. Not because she's annoying or whatever, nothing like that. No, it's exhausting because every time I see her, it's the same thing. I hear a voice yelling in my ear to just tell her. I keep telling myself that I will, this time. And yet every time it ends with me saying goodnight at her doorstep and leaving. Why? Because I have been blessed with a mind that I can't make sense of a lot of the time. My head is often either dead quiet to the point where I feel like an observer in my own body or a clusterfuck of noise, leaving me wanting for clarity. Now combine this with, as I said, difficulty expressing my own thoughts and emotions. Do you see where I'm going with this? I want to tell her. Jesus fuck, I want to. I barely even care any more if she reciprocates or not. Just once, I want to get past that wall instead of constantly getting frustrated to the point where I bust my knuckles on a nearby wall.

I cry myself to sleep more often than I care to admit. I feel trapped in a situation that doesn't feel like it's going to improve for the next few years. I'm frustrated and pissed that I can't rid myself of a mind that is so desperately at odds with what I want to be.

But most of all, I feel cripplingly alone sometimes, more than ever. The only thing that passes for a social life is a night of D&D every week and besides that, I'm in my room. I can't meet with classmates, I don't have a job to keep me occupied, I don't have the money to go out and do stuff or meet people near me and I'm fucking tired of it. I can't tell myself that it'll happen sometime any more. I'm tired of being goddamn desperate for that kind of connection and I'm tired of my inability to do something about it.

If anyone from /r/gonewildaudio or /r/GWABackstage happens to see this; yeah, it's partially how I cope. At least it's something.