We've been best friends for 20 years. Two days ago his boyfriend's ex kidnapped him, shot him in the back, set the house on fire, and then killed himself.

Two weeks ago I was going through some shit (just got out of the mental hospital and rehab), and he commented that he loved me, but I should stop being lazy and get a job and fix my life. I was being stupid and deleted him off facebook. The day before he told me he was going to get a tattoo of my nickname he calls me. I never got to see it.

I miss him so much.

Last year when he was drunk he asked me to marry him. I told him that would be weird, and he started crying like a baby.

The truth is that I have never and probably never will love a man more than I love him. I wish I could just hold him right now. I can't deal. I have so many good memories with him to keep me company, but I want more.