I don't know what I mean by the title, but I'm starting to cry every night, and im starting to drink every day to ward off a slow creeping feeling of paralyzing nervousness and anxiety. I think maybe a part of it is, I simply just can't come to terms with the fact that there's certain things in life I simply am not allowed to have. I was about to make a huge list of things I can't do anymore, but it really all just ties back to depression. It will be something that no one will understand nor take seriously, until they read it on my suicide note. I just don't have enough "good feeling". It's impossible to describe, but the tiny little jolt of niceness your brain gets after doing anything at all, I don't have that almost at all, which stops me from being able to do anything.

I don't even know what I'm talking about, since it seems my brain has grown tired emotionally from crying now. I hope I can cry again later, I am grateful to be able to cry and I hope at least one person reads this.