I know that’s suicidal ideation. I’m not going to do anything. I’m not in any crisis or danger. I’m more so in a state of being where my desire to continue with life and bounce back after serious hits and difficult experience is not what it used to be. Like, I’m not going to affirmatively do anything to end my life.

But if I didn’t wake up after a nice sleep.. that sounds like relief. But not tonight because my room is a disaster. I’ve been trying to get myself to get back to my normal self and simply keep failing. I feel gross and humiliated if someone walked in on this. I at least would want to fall asleep after a nice full body shower and feel cozy and feminine in my nice pajamas.

I guess that sounds like such a peaceful way for the suffering to stop.

Please don’t SWAT me. I just wanted yo express myself.