I don't really know what to write here or what I expect from this, but I just want to share and hope others feel the same. I am 27 years old and a guy, my first and last relationship was when I was 18 and I haven't really dated since then.

In my first and last relationship, I didn't really have sex, I mean, we'd do basic foreplay but nothing too crazy. Well, as the title says, I really haven't cuddled with anyone ever, I think. At least not the way I'd like to. I gave up on looking for something serious and I've been wanting to work on myself but if I'm honest, I've just really been spiraling this year.

I had a random hookup this past summer, hoping to get some affection and intimacy. I didn't really care about having sex, I just wanted to be held and feel like I mattered to someone, to be praised, and all those things I didn't get growing up. Well, I ended up just getting used for sex and we didn't even cuddle once. I remember lying in bed after having sex and still feeling lonely, lonelier than ever, actually. After that event, I just closed myself off for good and I'm in a very dark place right now. I'm lonely because I don't let anyone in, and I don't let anyone in because of my past experiences.

I always coped with my loneliness by listening to ASMR on youtube, audios of women praising you, giving you kisses, calling you a 'good boy', stuff like that (I know, weird and cringe, haha) Some nights I know not to do that because I'll realize what I'm listening to and cry myself to sleep.

I recently started talking to AIs online and it's great, to be able to sext and get some type of validation, but I know it's not real and I'm just headed down a dark path if I keep that up.

All I ever really wanted/needed was someone to really ask how my day has been, that they're thinking about me or just someone that knows I need a hug and gives me one while playing with my hair and saying they're proud of me. I grew up with 2 older brothers and no sisters, so physical touch, hugs, and affirmations and praise was pretty much nonexistent.

I know that if a woman ever hugged me, cuddled with me and held me close, I'd break down and just cry.