My music shuffled to Die With a Smile and it opened a wound I've been trying to heal recently. I need to get this out of my chest and perhaps hear some of the internet's advice on this.

I've been talking to this guy for over 4 months. He's special (not like autistic or anything, just special because he's not like the other guys I've talked to), and I miss him.

For the most part, everything was great. He was mature with his advice when I ask for it, but he never really made me feel "special". He said he does it in his own way, so I just took his word for it. Many times I joked about it, telling him that he hasn't got a romantic bone in his body which he would scoff at me for saying that I should just wait. So I did. I waited. I was the first one to get sweet on him. I called him Babe. LMAO. Corny I know, but he was that. He was my baby. I liked taking care of him, listening to him vent, comforting him the best way I can. I really cared for him. He went through a lot of problems; his job, his family, his mental health. I wanted to do what I could, but there's only so much I could do. I wanted to switch places with him so I could take away his pain. I wanted him to succeed. I wanted the best for him. I wanted to give him the world, but I couldn't. Everything was just complicated.

It was a volatile relationship from the start, at least from my standpoint. I felt like his player 2, but that's it. I was just his player 2. It was always his way we would follow. Whenever I raised a concern or gave my advice, it would turn into fight. He fought with me numerous times, so I just learned to keep my opinions to myself even though I felt that my advice would really help him. It was always his way that needed to be followed. You say anything against his plans, you'd be brutally shot down. So, I kept quiet and followed. It wasn't much of a problem since I'm the submissive and subservient kind. I still wanted him to succeed and watch him rise over his problems with my support.

Our last fight was what made me give up on him. I can honestly say that I was in love with him at this point, but for such a petty fight, he made me feel small. He always made me feel small, unheard and unimportant. He called me a liar, that I deceived him. He kept my voice small and insignificant that I could not even raise a point or share something about myself without the fear of a fight. In hindsight, I should have just kept my mouth shut, but I was feeling candid that day, and he was being silly, and he was in a good mood so I thought it would be a good idea to share something with him.

I was raised in a British Colonized country, so I learned English as my first language, but British. So my real accent was the British Accent. When we moved to an American Colonized country when I was 8, I was made fun for my accent as a child. I was bullied for it on top of being "that gay kid". I had to adapt. I forced myself to learn the American Accent, but I kept talking to myself with the British Accent in my head. Even when I learn the language of my new country, I had to translate everything in my head first with the British Accent and form the sentence in either the country's language or with an American Accent. So, basically, I had a slight trauma in using my British Accent that I learned as my first language.

I sent him a voicemail using my real voice, my real accent, feeling vulnerable, hoping that he would allow me to share my story, but instead, it became a great big fight. He called me a liar and that I've been deceiving him for all this time. It broke my heart. All I could say was that I'm sorry and that he deserved better. He stopped talking to me after that and I assumed that it was over.

Weeks later, he messages me that he misses me. I don't know what came over me., but I snapped at him. I told him, "You miss a liar and deceiver?" Maybe I was feeling vindictive. I wanted to get even for once. I kept kowtowing to him that I wanted my voice to be heard this time. I fought back. I told him my story even though he was not receptive, still calling me a liar and a deceiver. Looking back now, I felt that could be a reconciliation, but I don't think I can take being belittled and forced to be quiet again. I loved him. I truly did. Even with all his flaws and his aggressive behavior towards me, but if I let this continue, I knew what was going to happen. I would live the rest of my life under this thumb, and I've been through that already and I don't want to be someone's doormat anymore. So, I stood my ground and ended our conversation like I did before. "Sorry, you deserve better."

I doubt he would be reading this. He's probably have me blocked by now, but in the small chance that you are, I want to tell you that I would have loved to lived the rest of my life with you and die with a smile next to you. For the most part, you made me happy, even though you weren't romantic. You cared for me in your own way and that was enough for me back then, but I just can't live a life as your doormat. I'm sorry we could not work things out. I'm sorry I could not stay quiet and follow your lead. I wish that you weren't so prideful that you won't accept any help or advice, but who am I to tell you to change? I was just some guy you were talking to. I was just some guy who played your support. I loved watching you win when we played video games. I loved it whenever you ranked top of each match. I loved being your player 2. I really wish we could have worked things out, but I suppose we were just too different and too stubborn to back down to one another. For what it's worth, it was the best 4 month "talking to / exclusive relationship" that I've ever been in. You're a special man who deserves the world for what it's done to you. You deserve to rise above all your struggles, and I'm sorry I couldn't stick around to support you through it all. I really wish we could have worked it out, and I do miss you too. But it's too late now. I wish all the happiness and success in the world for you. I would have loved to lay in your arms and die with a smile.