I just turned 30 this year and I've been trying to take some amount of control over my life so I cut out the toxic people, the people that hurt me, and the people that enabled them. But now I have nobody left. Any of my friends I still want to hang out with sided with the toxic people, or at least didn't want to rock the boat. None of them have reached out to see if I'm okay, how I'm doing.

Now here I am, alone, desperate for human connection and love. I know the steps on paper to meet people, go to meetups, find a board game bar, look for activities. But 30 years of neglect, rejection, abuse, and more than likely a sprinkle of undiagnosed autism have left me with no social skills and a deep seeded fear of making connections despite that being what I want most.

I'm seeing a therapist tomorrow but even if that goes well, it's going to be a long long long road ahead of me. It's like telling someone who is on fire that through many months of hard work I might be able to extinguish myself. Like great, that's the goal that I want, but I'm on fire right now.

I don't know.

I'm scared :(