God, where do I start?

Why did you let me choose to be born in this era of humanity? Born any earlier I would have probably killed myself from clumsiness lol.

I don’t know. Climate change suck ass, what else is there to say? People want to change but those in power wish not for their own benefit.

I’m essentially hating on capitalism for all that it has inflicted on me. Poisoned me with air pollution, forces me to get cooked alive on this globe, forces me to witness the suffering of others while I’m unable to help without getting hurt.

How can I defend a system that forced my ancestors to eat fucking garbage to survive? Forcing impoverished people to scrounge around in filth of bodily matter and construction materials. A system that requires wars to be stable. How can I even justify that? How can anyone really?

I’m not preaching my communist ideals on you people, relax. But so you know that I literally despise it.

I mean, I really wanted to live a long life, despite my suicidal ideation, that started as a small child.

I have this memory of being about 4 or 5. I was in the back seat of my mother’s minivan, and I remember being so frustrated about living, always being confused and scared of everything. I kept screaming “I don’t want to exist! (anymore)”. God, I don’t know how she contained herself, but I love her. Later at 7 I wanted to lock myself in the bathroom to starve to death. Let’s just say my emotions were never stable.

I never really did anything that would cause “harm” aside from hitting my head, legs, pulling hair, or slapping my face.

Pulling back, yes I did and still do want to live a while anyway. It’s just, am I really going to? Am I really going to get my basic dreams realized?

It’s like, have good friends, transition to woman via hrt, marry a wonderful man, start a family, die peacefully.

Am I asking for too much? I feel as though this shouldn’t feel as though it’s literally impossible to achieve. Like, why is it so fucking hard to simply not be the gender I was assigned? I want tiddies! I’m not asking for a billion dollars.

I pray to whoever is above that night to let me have a future. I want to make it to 120 so badly, at least 60 would be decent. I love existing sometimes.

I’m just disappointed in most of humanity, not all, generalizations go against my beliefs. I’m upset, not really too angry anymore. When the world disappoints you enough, you either want that world dead or you learn to ignore it.

I really do want capitalism to die in a fiery death of its own fault, tho that would mean the end of Earth. Hence I am hopeful for a revolution or something to prevent such a bad thing from happening.

I did give God permission to quickly kill me if ever it just becomes impossible to realistically exist.

I wish you all a happy existence. Most of you probably got to this beautiful place longer than I could ever. Congratulations to you on that.