The only problem is I'm 39, and I wish I would have done it sooner, lol. That, and the crushing feelings of inadequacy, and embarrassment that comes from a brain that's used to being an outcast, and isolated.

To start off with, and to get it out of the way- I'm not a freak. I'm decent looking enough, I can talk, and when I'm not inside my own head, I can read the room pretty well. I guess I just kinda got the short end of the stick when it came to "nurture" as a kid, didn't do so well socially, and that carried on into my adulthood. I coped with that the only way I ever really felt capable of, which was staying way from social situations entirely. When I did finally fit into a friend group in my teens/20's, I kinda just let them handle it while I would kick around in the background. Never really felt safe navigating social landscapes, really. ...Not without a good amount of back up, and definitely not without a few beers, lol.

FFWD to last night, I've got a date I'm meeting for drinks...

...aaand she stands me up.

Lame. We were meeting on foot, and now I'm meandering around the block feeling stupid, and ashamed. Heart's pounding, adrenaline is up, feeling exposed, wondering if there's anybody that's seen my silly ass circle the same half a block like half a dozen times. "WTF is this dude doing? Fuck is wrong with this loser? Is he gonna break into my car?"

At that point I just kinda said... fuck it. I'm already here, I smell good, I look good, I've got some cash in my pocket, let's go have a drink. It's still early, and nobody's really filled the bars up yet, and if there's ever going to be an opportunity to test the waters all by my lonesome, I figure this is the time, man. I'll pick a place, sit down, order a drink, and see how long I can endure when the sky starts falling.

I fully expected my fight/flight response to be screaming, kicking, and wailing at me to get the fuck outta there as soon as I sat down, and it definitely was. My heartbeat felt like a gorilla trying to punch it's way out of my chest, and my brain was so keyed up it felt like I was trying to speak in a wind storm.

I did it though. Had my little shot of cheap whiskey, (wait, why is my entire tongue and lower jaw numb? Did I just drink brown gasoline?! Jesus) hung out for a few minutes, cracked a few jokes with the bartender and the guy next to me, and you know what? It felt good. I got just the tiniest little hit of dopamine amidst all the fear and confusion that made me go, "Maybe I ain't so bad...? Maybe I can do this..." and so I started off for one of my old dives I used to hang out at, with a new objective: Sit down, have a beer, try to relax, and endure some more uncomfortable feelings because maybe, there will be something good at the end of it.

I did just that, and as it turned out, there was.

So the bartenders and I are chatting in between their obligations (two incredibly nice people btw, they were awesome) when one of them casually jokes around about having tourette's syndrome. You're kidding me, I have that bullshit too!! It was WILD. Actual connection with a human being, on my own, without introductions or a group, amidst also being bummed out about being stood up, and WTF did I just find a friend? ARE WE BEST FRIENDS NOW?! (Step Brothers reference lol).

After that, the chillest dude on the planet dressed in full NY Mets gear plops down next to me, and we... we're hanging out now? We're talking, joking about BS, he tells me about his time working short-haul for a dispensary and how he's a transplant that just moved from Long Island to (my town), and now the three of us (including the other bartender popping in and out too) have formed a little impromptu friend group??

Is this... is this, "f-frempts"?? Is this what friends is?? I like these people... I'm genuinely interested in getting to know their life. I want to know where they grew up, what their interests are, how they got that little smudge on their hat... I like this.

Is this what I've been missing out on for so long?!

Shit man, the Mets guy, James- turns out he doesn't have any money, so the bartender just fills him up a glass, and with a smile, tells him it's on the house! "Yo, that was really, really nice of you, was he a regular?" Nope. She just thought he was a good dude, and she didn't want to see him, "go without."

What the fuck. People are awesome. These people, are awesome.

Night goes on, I had a few more conversations with a few more people, and for the rest of the time just kinda hung around and enjoyed the atmosphere, and the music.

I'm still processing it. It was fantastic, confusing, trepidatious, pulse pounding, enlightening, surprising, and unexpected. What's more is I was under pressure, but I tolerated that pressure. I endured, and I came out the other side not just unscathed, but I feel like I got better. I feel like I learned something new. I honestly didn't think I was capable of it. I thought I was broken beyond any semblance of repair, or restoration.

To be honest though, it doesn't feel like repair. It feels like growth. Like a barren, concrete, post-apocalyptia that's been reclaimed by the nature around it. It feels new; Different.

"New" and "Different" at 39?? You know what? Fuck it. We take those.

Oh, and guess what? The icing on the cake? My date didn't actually stand me up- My ADHD ass got the goddamn day wrong! We said Saturday, not goddamn Friday... I really need to remember to write things down on my post it notes, LOL.

I'm heading back out in a couple hours, and gotta start getting ready. I can feel my brain doing it's thing again, and trying to find any excuses it can to back out, and stay home.

...Not this time, brain; you little fucker. This time, at least for tonight? It's gonna be different.

Thanks for reading :)