I'll try to make this direct short and sweet. The relationships I am referring to are not boyfriend and girlfriend they're deeper than that they are mother and son child and parent brother and sister. Relationships that are the most important. The relationship with loved ones. So I'm at a crossroads in my life. I'm not making the best decisions but I'm trying to get by I'm trying to be strong and I'm trying to do it without jeopardizing my loved ones and the relationship I've created with them. I have finally been able to have a steady communication and relationship with my daughters that I have not seen in person for over 3 years. But talking to them everyday on video calls and playing Roblox with them has become very important to me and one of the highlights of my life currently. A relationship with my mother that was very destroyed and frayed has been rebuilt and trust has been established and we don't fight anymore we love to spend time with each other we go shopping with each other and she finally doesn't worry about me every waking moment but I can start to see her worry. And a relationship with my brother that is still not the best but it's better than it was at least he doesn't want to punch my lights out every time he sees me now and me and him get along and we don't fight that's what important. And all these things I've gotten very used to and have become very important to me. But I maintain and keep these relationships because in the past I've completely disregarded and took for granted these relationships have completely destroyed them before. So it took a lot to get here. But the crossroads I'm sitting at is because of my bad decisions. I've picked out a bad habit again and addiction is creeping up quickly and if I don't get a hold on it soon I'll be under its control again soon enough. So it has to stop hearing it has to stop now and it has to be controlled quickly because if it doesn't. I have to seek professional health and it no longer is a secret and I have to admit what I've been doing to my mother and my ex-wife and my brother. And it will completely maybe not completely but definitely destroy the trust and the relationship as a whole will be affected and I will go back to square one. And he was very hard like I said to get here with these relationships being so healthy. But I've been living a lie. And have to keep that secret to myself in order to not jeopardize my life. So the question is. So I seek professional help and stop the addiction and it's tracks before it goes any further. Or should I fight with every fiber of my being and keep the secret to myself. And try to stay sober. And I think I could do it. The only thing is that this isn't the first time since I relapsed a while back but I have tried to stop the progress of how this addiction is taking hold again. Tried to stop and I'll stop for a couple of days but officially the last time I only made it 6 days. Which is scary. So it's not like I haven't been trying to make this work and keep the secret and the LIE to myself. I've definitely tried. But I always come running back. This is my last ditch effort. If I can't make it for a long long break this next time and I pick up the pipe again or want to. I think I'm going to seek professional help. And have to come clean about my life choices. But I don't know if I can explain to you how hard and uncomfortable and difficult and lonely the road was to build these relationships again. Because the only way they were formed again was because I don't reach out to them or tell them a lot of stuff or how I feel truly. I have mastered keeping my emotions to myself and a way from their thoughts. Because they worry and they get scared and they either report me. Or just trust me it's bad and I want to avoid that at all costs and keep what I've gained in the time that I was sober. So I'll post an update. But officially I am stopping the using as we speak and am throwing away everything I have and stopping cold turkey. And if I can't make it past 2 weeks at least. Cuz that's a win compared to six days. If I can't make it 2 weeks to a month without the drug. Or any drug because I shouldn't be drinking either. If I can't make it sober for that period of time. I will come clean and seek professional help again