A year ago i separated from my daughter's mother. we had been together for close to 10 years. I just didn't care about her, we grew out of love, but we lived as a couple for a couple of years before breaking up. I didn't care about her, and my uncomfortable life led to me being very apathetic. i was overworked, in a toxic environment, in a relationship with someone who wasn't supporting me, with 2 very young kids. i coped as i could i was high for the first few years of my kids, couldn't hold a steady job because i was an anxious trainwreck and went on meds for depression and adhd.

Now i moved in with my parents because i'm in major debt, i see my kids every other week, my mother is currently ill, no idea how much longer she has, and my ex is seemingly living her best life.

I hate everything, i'm angry at my kids at the smallest irritant and i hate it. i spend a lot of time minding my own business, i overspend on shit i don'T need because i "crave" the high from new shit. i go from one hobby to another, but i don'T feel connected to others. I feel like i don't know my parents, i feel like i don't know my daughters. ok fine, 6 and 8 year olds change really quickly, but i feel like i force myself into their lives. we often listen to my music in the car, i feel like we play the games i want to play, i mean, we do what they want to do also, but like... i don't feel like i really know what they want and expect. I can't keep friends, and my only way to connect with them is to share my days.

I don't know how to connect with people, i feel crazy alone, and i don't feel like it's worth it going on. Don't get me wrong, i don't want to give up, i'm just wondering why i keep going, nothing feels worth it.