I have been an expat for almost a decade. This month begins the 9th year of being an expat. I am now 31, going on 32 and I haven't really accomplished a lot of "normal" life goals. I just feel utterly alone.

I have a stable job, I am educated but I lack the ability to have permanent or even semi-permanent connections to others. People come and go. Relationships never last. I do not date. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I feel like I'll never find love or a reason to stay anywhere.

I told myself I remain in this state of being nomadic and unattached by 35- I'll just give up on the idea of dating and focus on my retirement plans. Apart of me is ok with this and the other part of my hates this idea with a passion.

I feel so sad today. Will I always feel incomplete? I try to remain aloof and not emotionally rely on others- because it's all temporary. How many more goodbyes?

I will soon relocate again for grad school. I am not sure if I will stay in that country afterward either. I hate that I am like this. I hate that I feel like some things like love and my own family (me and a partner, don't want kids), might be unattainable. I envy those who have it but not in a malicious way. I enjoy seeing people in love- I am just convinced it will never happen to me.

I just wanted to say that.

I don't regret being an expat, I have had some great experiences. I just wished I had met someone to have experiences with- together.

10/13/24 Edit: My Georgie bundle is retiring. I have found someone to call my home. She will have to teach me to keep still but I look forward to that journey. I wander no more.

-A former Vagabond.