I'm not doing well...

I'm struggling a lot. Moved across country for a partner almost 4 years ago who ended up being pretty abusive and selfish. We broke up and split from living together two months ago and they already have 3 new partners.

They messaged me three weeks ago trying to vent that they were spiraling. Then proceeded to say how much sex they were having every night w new people....it crushed me to hear, to be so uncaring and selfish to vent such a thing to your ex who they cheated on....

I'm struggling to not feel unloved, not worth the time, not worthy of..really anything...

I can barely eat, barely sleep. I want to smoke cigarettes for the first time just to do something that would hurt them to see me pick up...

I want to self harm so badly my bones ache for it..

It hurts so much that the one who hurt me, who treated me so wrongly and unfairly is so popular and well loved, but I struggle to even make friends...

I'm autistic, very much so. I call myself a feral child because I raised myself, spent 90% of my time alone in the woods. I had no friends growing up, and my older brother encouraged my siblings to pretend i didn't exist so they could abuse me as they wished. Parents only held me when it soothed them, and i saw my grandparents during the summer, otherwise human contact was rare if at all.

I try making friends.. I have two close ones. But they're dating so I just end up third wheeling and feeling even more lonely... I'm Poly, and my long term partner is across the country in a fulfilling relationship w someone for 5 years now. When they met they kinda prioritized her right away, just making me feel more unlovable and insecure. Though we talked through it, the lonliness just makes it scream through my frame. How I'm not worth anything to anyone...

I have people interested in me, but they already have primary partners, and I just..want to feel prioritized.. want to be the primary for someone...

I feel so unworthy of that, so selfish for asking for something everyone in my life already has...

Work doesn't keep my focus very long. I smoke weed nonstop if I can help it or I end up in a depressive, sobbing pile, and my dreams are short and filled with my ex...

I try to post in communities looking for friends, even pushing past my demisexual comfort to post about finding play partners. And every time, I get hopeful. I watch the posts. I wait and slowly deflate as nothing comes. No comments, no responses... If I could even just have a friend who understands me........

I haven't gone through a serious breakup in 10 years.... I'm struggling not to reach out to that ex because I feel so small and unwanted and lonely and I just want someone..something familiar... Something.....

Everything costs so much and I don't have someone who can hold me when I'm struggling, everyone is so busy w thier partners, and when I try to reach out often thier people are struggling and I get pushed to the side...

I feel so small and unnecessary and unlovable...

I just don't want to exist anymore....I was a mistake baby, I feel like my entire existence shouldn't have happened. I just want to sleep forever, I don't know what to do anymore....