I'm going to try to summarize this as best as I can w/o reciting an entire life story.

I have autism, got bullied in school, lived in social isolation during my 20s, decided to experience new things, pandemic happened, still trying to learn how to be a human being while also learning how to be a productive, self-sufficient adult with limited time, our society continues crumble, etc., etc.

In the midst of all of this, I was trying to find a sexual partner who was a virgin like me, and it didn't really work out. I tried some new things, made a couple friends, learned some stuff, but I feel a little more disillusioned, now.

Ultimately, I'm ready to call it quits. My failed partner search was a disappointing waste of time. It's triggered some sort of spiteful coping mechanism in me that has resulted in my abstinence from all sexual indulgences.

I quit watching porn for the purpose of masturbation, but I like to take it further. Sometimes, I scroll reddit porn subs to see how well I can disassociate myself from arousal. The less aroused I am, the happier I feel. It might a way to affirm my hopelessness and denial that I won't have the opportunity to find a partner as inexperienced as me with whom I can grow.

What is wrong with me? What the hell is this "pride" I've decided to take in being as non-sexual as I can? I resent that the one thing that I've been waiting for is so unlikely to happen specifically because I waited and I want to punish myself further for my shortcomings.