It's late in the evening after a hectic day of self development. I'm running on no sleep, the thought of you, of us, keeps replaying in my head over and over like a broken tape and here I am now two weeks later still thinking about you. I've been through so much, discovering myself, my priorities & life goals. Getting back into a routine after a year that I will forever be ashamed of and back out there working again has opened my eyes to the world. The loss of the most important person in my life has left a hole deeper than empty space. Theres so much I want to share with you. Yet missing your shining soul like crazy. I hate that we ended on such bad terms. I never could have expected us to end, let alone in that way. Ever. I think that's why it makes it so much more painful for me to bear. We were supposed to last forever like we always said we would, a future together with so many intricate details all laid out. All I can think about now is if I still cross your mind, if anything you see or do reminds you of all the years we spent together. I know you're trying to forget me and move on. Completely detach. I try to do the same every day and that kills me. But I deserve the pain. You were in love with me and I took advantage. I toyed with your emotions effortlessly, used you as an emotional crutch, pushed you away and then back in, over and over, and you continued to take it. I wore you out, until you just couldn't take it anymore. And I hate every part of myself for becoming that kind of person. I can't talk to you anymore about your day or ask about anything that’s on your mind, I can't hold you or kiss you, or hear your voice say."I love you". Even worse, I can't create any new memories with you. And that really fucking hurts. I hope that someday we'll get back in contact, to have the chance to show you that I'm capable of providing you with the deepest love, and support you with the care and kindness you truly deserve. Something has snapped inside me, I know have changed into to the man you first fell in love with. Deep down I know the chances of speaking again or ever even hearing from you again are slim to none. I really miss you, and I wish you knew how sorry I am for the past year. I will never let myself slip into that darkness again. I just wish we had some time apart before it came to such a sudden end for me to realise the weight I put on you.