TLDR: I was flirting with a married woman. I was wrong for that. During her open toxic marriage we almost slept together. When she closed her marriage I got really high and flirted with her. She encouraged me to keep going and I felt disgusted with myself and with our friendship

I am deeply attracted to my friend. I still have her naked pictures and videos of her doing solo sexual things on my phone from when we first met. She was/still is in a toxic and dysfunctional marriage. When we met, she told me she was in an open marriage and was open to sleeping with other people. We flirted a bit but became fast friends. Soon enough she started telling me deep personal things about her life. Eventually it became harder to balance our potential relationship as lovers and a friendship. I chose friendship.

Her husband did a lot wrong and I will leave it at that, especially while she was pregnant. I hate that man, he is scum. I do not love her, but I do care about her and in a way her child. I along with several others encouraged her to get a divorce as her husband refused to improve their relationship. They decided to stick with it and things did get better. She decided to close the marriage and still has not slept with anyone outside of her husband. They are still toying with the idea of threesomes, primarily two women one man. He refuses to do two men one woman but part of the reason I feel like she maintains a certain level of attraction in our friendship is because she still considers inviting me to sleep with her.

At one point her and her husband were doing very well. Better than they had in ages. Except he was kind of faking it just to make her think things were better. He had not known about me or the friendship we had, and upon finding out about me then made a big deal about it and they haven’t stopped fighting. It was stressful to be a bystander and I already had things I was dealing with. One night I got very high and very sexual. And she started to reciprocate.

We have not spoken since and I am very ashamed of myself. I still don’t fully understand why. But I feel like trash. I feel worse for her, I feel like she deserves so much better