My mom in particular (who is from a strict Taiwanese family) has always been a bit overbearing and judgy so it was pretty difficult for me growing up as I was rarely able to truly express myself and wasn’t allowed to have a sexuality, wasn’t allowed to talk to boys etc. I kept most of my personality bottled up to placate my parents and bided my time until I moved out. Since I moved out though my mom has made a noticeable effort to try to call me and visit me as much as she can, trying to keep tabs on me and make sure I’m still being a good daughter in her eyes. She doesn’t have a key to my place or anything so I didn’t think too much of it, I can always clean things up before I let her inside.

Since moving out, I have really, really enjoyed being able to manage my own space and do my own activities without needing to worry about my parents judging me. I put up the posters my mom called “unwell”, I wake up and go to bed when I want to, but most relevant is my newfound appreciation for my sexuality. I took advantage of my new sense of privacy and self-determination and bought myself a big dildo to fantasize and practice with. I didn’t really worry too much about hiding it anywhere, since it’s my own place and I didn’t expect anybody would be poking around without me being present. I’ve just been leaving it under my bed, and hiding it in the very corner when company is over.

Well unfortunately I was in the middle of…using my toy after I woke up late around noon today. I was having a great time until my phone rang. My mom was calling. I stopped jilling and answered the call. First thing she does is immediately flipping out about some nonsense that happened at home with my brother. I let her run her mouth then ran through my usual safe script of questions, asking her if there’s anything I can do for her, how are other things at home, etc. I was honestly completely mentally checked out of the conversation from the moment we started talking, I just wanted her to hang up so I could go back to my activities. Then someone pounds on my front door catching me completely off guard, and my mom hangs up on me. Unexpected knocks on my door are extremely anxiety inducing for me so I went into a mini panic, threw on my hoodie and sweatpants and ran to answer the door. I open the door to see nobody else except my MOM, coming over totally unannounced.

Literally the first thing she said when I opened the door is I need to take better care of myself because I look so ill, as if there was nothing wrong with her just showing up in the middle of the day without even telling me she was on the way when she was on the phone with me 5 seconds prior. She then peers over my shoulder and notices the dirty dishes I had in the sink from cooking dinner the night before, and starts laying into me for being a shitty housekeeper, didn’t I ever listen when she raised me, the usual abusive bullshit. I could barely even get words out from the surprise and immense anxiety setting in as I wonder if my mom can smell the sex on me and realize my very-difficult-to-hide toy is still proudly on display in the centre of my bedspread. Almost as if on queue of my realization, she barges her way into my room, running her mouth about what a disgusting household I keep, and sees my shame right in the middle of the bed right as I follow her in. She lets out the most shrill gasp/shriek I’ve ever heard her make and unleashes her disappointment-fuelled fury into me. It was like when I was 16 and we argued over me wanting to go to a dance with a boy, but 10 times worse. She called me a corrupted and disgusting little minx and expressed total disbelief and horror at “her little girl turning herself into nothing but a debased sexual plaything for the most dishonourable and diseased men”, making sure to tear me and my judgment to pieces as much as possible. Her racist attitude, which has ALWAYS bothered me immensely, was turned against me for the first time today as she made sure to let me know she thinks I’m forever unclean and doomed to death from STDs in the next decade, because of course my dildo is black and how could her perfect little girl dare to enjoy a large Black penis, and of course she thinks “mixing your ancestor’s genes with those of outsiders is disrespectful to them” so in her eyes I am only a good daughter if I marry a Chinese guy. I really wanted to try to stand up for myself but I havent seen her so angry in years, which made me more afraid of her than usual, on top of it barely being 30 mins I’d been awake and the mental hellfire of shame from having my most debaucherous habits exposed to my hypermoral mother. After a few minutes of being yelled at I honestly zoned out and just froze until she stormed out of my house and slammed my door so hard that the weather stripping wont fit properly anymore.

I’ve been sitting at home alone in complete shame, with my phone on do not disturb to block out all the angry follow-up missed calls and texts from my mom, as well as the calls and texts from my dad (she told him immediately and obviously made it sound as bad as possible) and even my fucking brother since apparently she told him to reach out and talk to me because I’m “losing our values and struggling on her own”. I feel so alone, and ashamed, and done with everything. I don’t really have any idea what having a healthy family is like and at this point I’m done with being disappointed. I just want my family to leave me alone because as far as I’m concerned I don’t have one. I can’t really afford to do it and it would uproot a lot of things for me, but I’ve been thinking about moving to the other side of the country or at least a very distant city so I can try to avoid ever needing to worry about this crap ever again. I hate this so much, I feel so dirty and discarded.