My life was never great but I did what I could. We don't pick what we get. We just do the best with what we have. That's what I did. I took care of those I loved and those I didn't even love. I felt everyone should feel loved and so I carried that. I always tried to give more than I ever got because I always knew I didn't need much to go on. I didn't need much until this weekend.

I nearly died. I collapsed at the foot of my bed to what I thought was just lack of air/asthma attack. Turns out it was a bit of a few things. Stress Cardiomyopathy, asthma, and a seizure. I mean if you're going you may as well go for some wild numbers I guess? I've always had decent (bad) humor about this stuff. My nurses and doctors told me so and I told them I stop with my terrible humor when I'm dead and I'm not dead yet.

I collapsed on my gf and well she hates me. I understand how absolutely terrifying it is. We haven't been in the best terms. She even stole money from me recently. In spite of all that one of the reason my heart is bad is because I basically literally have stress from a broken heart from that relationship. I tried. Over 17 years I have given almost everything. I never was perfect and no mAtter how much I beg or plead my apology she hates me with a passion. It wasn't enough to chase away my companions. It wasn't enough to literally steal from me. I'd have died and this month her last interaction with me would have been stealing my money to pay for a failed sexpedition with another woman that never happened. Keep in mine I am polyamorous and have no problem with that but she's hell bent on breaking me down. That's fine. There's nothing left to break. She broke me a decade ago and I stayed. I thought the love I had would carry us and mend things.

Over time she got more lazy. She often yelled at me. Blamed me for anything. Others noticed and felt embarrassed for me and I would often say it's not bad you just don't understand. I defended her behavior even though it stabbed at me. I was wrong many times but I justified it with pain I felt. I should have left a long time ago but I don't quit because I do love her. Now? I just miss who she was. My best friend. My ride or die.

She often wishes me dead. Literally. Yet she took time to perform CPR on me. If she hadnt I would be dead. So I'm grateful she has but also I'm not. I haven't had a reason to be back since my stroke two years ago. That absolutely destroyed me back then and now? I'm almost completely nothing. I can't hardly take a piss without gasping for air. I don't want to die in the hospital. I'm at home. Next to my pets.

When I got home I had to ask my landlady to help me in because my gf didn't bring my house keys or even the clothes I needed to get home. My home clothes were free clothes from the charity thing at the hospital and didn't even fit well. It just felt awful and looked worse. I got inside and just went to sleep. I thought the evening would be fine as she came home and made a meal for us. Not really something I could even eat but I'm not complaing about something I couldn't do anyways. She was mad with me still. She went off to start a video call with her friend. The video call was hours. I asked her to cuddle because I wanted affection. She said she didn't love me. She didn't want it and from my room I could hear her mock me to this new woman on the phone. I didn't want to let her go. I tried and I tried to be nice but I made it known I was alive. I said heyyyy heyyyy and she would say oh she's being nuts I'll call you back. Then hang up. We traded off and then she locked me out of my own room. Fyi this is months after she broke down that very door because she had been upset I tried to leave the house. It's not a great story.

Fine. Have her. You know? You win world. You win again. I'm not well and I just can't keep up anymore.

My heart is failing. My brewthing sucks and my brain hurts so often I do wish I'd have another annurysm. The only reason I wanted back the first time is was for her and now there's no her. It's like the world took slowly and then all at once. I'm not even going to make it to certain goals. I gave a lot more of myself than I have got back and that's fine but also... I just wanted a hand to hold. A heart entwined with my own.

Now I'm going to endure the remainder of a cold life alone. I got brought back out of her shower guilt. She said I tasted awful when she "had" to give me cpr. I've never heard someone hate someone so hard on such a statement. With that I knew we were done.

I shouldn't have to stress more as that's part of the killing me part but it's hard. I miss being happier. I miss doing many things that made me happy. everything I did was with her in mind and she got it all. I hope she enjoys it but I hope she realizes it was for her. Not of her doing but something I did for my love for her.

I'm gonna die alone this year. It's gonna hurt and be cold. I won't have anyone and I did too much for anyone and did way too little for myself.

That's why you don't waste your life on everyone else all the time. You don't know when life is just gonna say screw you.